Image: m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It was “one of those days”. The sun refused to shine, and maybe I had not had enough sleep or allergies kicked in or whatever, but I woke up down and out. I rarely do depression anymore, so it was hard to sit at work so off-kilter. We still have more than a week for school left for both kids, but they are DONE with being couped up. (Yea so am I!)
Work was hard, freelancing was hard, but I managed those, and then I got out of work and put Zoe, who may have an urinary tract infection, in the tub. (No car, no doctor, c’est la vie.) She had a blast and I let Amelia mind turn to mush with TV. We’re in the home stretch of summer, good luck getting work done!
I’m relaxing, still down, and for NO REASON that I can see, Zoe lets loose with a 45 minute tantrum- a real doozy, headbanger type of deal. I did my level best to do everything I could to calm her, to no avail. At the end of this, she was doing a “I’m ok, but can scream when I like!” deal, and I was reduced to a mass of jello sitting on the floor crying my ass off with “why me?”, “I’m being punished”, and “I’m to blame for her autism”.
Well, so much for spiritual optimism and my hope’s in God. I sat there, and I KNEW this was a “what about me?” moment. Ok, who’m I kidding? It was a “what about me” hour night!
Today I turned on Joyce Meyer and got an earful of how we choose our feelings and don’t give into the negative thoughts or lies from the dark side. (Surely, “I gave my daughter autism” is a lie, right? And, “Her condition is my punishment for something” is actually hubris, isn’t it?)
So, no sympathy for me, just an epic, painful fail of a night. I’m not bitter today; it happened. It will, I guess, from time to time, but it’s made me think: Do I really still consider this a punishment for something in my life? Not on the surface, and not even below the surface, but way, deep down in my heart, do I feel like the cause of my kids’ disabilities? Maybe I do.
As I plod this course of deep – DEEP self-improvement, the inner me might get a little scary. How hard do we, any of us, look at what’s really beneath the surface? And what do we do with the ugly when we find it?
Frugal Baby says
Wow. A 45 minutes tantrum is very difficult to cope with. Always look on the bright side it could have been 90 minutes. Thing don’t look so bad when we think how they could have been worst. Thanks for sharing.
admin says
Ok, THAT made me laugh…even as a tantrum is going on right now!
Connie Corey says
Wow, did we drink the same water or something? I have been down, down, down the last two days. Yesterday I buried it in Mike and Ike’s and M&M’s. Uh, yeah.
No great words of wisdom, but know that others share the same journey even if it’s for different reasons.
admin says
Thanks Connie! Sorry you’ve been down too. It’s just been a high stress summer, for all of us. I actually fueled up on some really tasty healthy food and that helped – to my surprise. But M&M’s woulda worked too.
Connie Corey says
Wow, did we drink the same water or something? I have been down, down, down the last two days. Yesterday I buried it in Mike and Ike’s and M&M’s. Uh, yeah.
No great words of wisdom, but know that others share the same journey even if it’s for different reasons.
admin says
Thanks Connie! Sorry you’ve been down too. It’s just been a high stress summer, for all of us. I actually fueled up on some really tasty healthy food and that helped – to my surprise. But M&M’s woulda worked too.