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I’m struggling with two issues I have with my kids lately: Teaching them that promiscuity is wrong, and discipline.
WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
The problem is that my kids don’t seem to grasp or understand things like how to keep yourself safe as a girl. Not that it comes up a lot, but every now and again there’s an inappropriate action. While my words tell them that body parts are private, how do I show them this? Certainly *I* don’t expose anything in public, but what about the world around them?
Ok, great! They’re in love. Can’t we just fade to black now?
This hit home this weekend. Chris and I rented “About Time,” of course, because it’s time travel plus romance and comedy, and you all know I’m sucker for all 3 of those things together*. I really enjoyed it but I had a light bulb moment in the middle. Movies have changed the order of things from:
LOVE > MARRIAGE > SEX
to:
SEX > COHABITATE > LOVE > MARRIAGE
And it’s not just that it was in this movie; I’ve noticed in EVERY movie, and it didn’t used to be when I was a young woman. Plus this movie promotes an even SCARIER precedent I’m seeing:
1ST DATE > SEX THAT SAME NIGHT > MORE DATES > MOVE IN > LOVE > MARRIAGE
For full disclosure, I did live with Chris for many years before we met. And I’ve changed, in my faith, but frankly, EVEN THEN I wouldn’t have been ok with it for my kids. I was never comfortable with this flow of things but it seemed to be the Only Way to Fall in Love. I felt back then that I had NO choice unless I wanted to be single forever – and that was 20 years ago.
What really worries me NOW is that this is a theme in nearly all grown up movies, especially the “do it hours after we met” thing. Not only that, but if I had said this 10 years ago, half the room would agree with me. Now I fear that most people are looking at me like an old prude. “Just put your kids on birth control.”
REALLY? Is that what people want for their kids?
Doesn’t anyone remember the pain and agony of being promiscuous? I do. It SUCKED. How many nights did I or another girlfriend sit commiserating with wine and ice cream over guy who done us wrong, who used us and cast us aside, who stalked us, who did something that no husband in his right mind would do to the woman he loved? How many friends sat terrified of EPT results, putting off confirming what they already knew? Does anyone remember how terrified everyone was when AIDs came out? I do. All that life ever brought me was heartache, pain, fear, pressure, sorrow and getting dumped.
How do we teach our children that this is NOT the correct order of things when it’s everywhere?
HOW TO DISCIPLINE
Meanwhile, I’ve had discipline on my mind lately, but I don’t seem to be able to get a handle on how to administer loving discipline properly. It’s been on my mind so much it’s keeping me up at night. So when I went to Bible study last night, I was almost glad to hear that difficult subject was the topic. (And it’s a really painful topic for a Christian, but a necessary one.) I talked about my fear for my girls earlier in the night – that society is teaching them this backward order and it’s inescapable. Later, the leader asked for examples of disciple “even with your kids” and I was stumped because I’m ALWAYS struggling with this. Then our other leader gave an example directly FROM my problem.
See, the solution to my girls’ issues is discipline – in the form of not allowing them to watch these movies – any of them. It’s totally simple although it is hard, because it’s in films it has NO RIGHT to be in. Why is premarital sex in “Avatar,” one of Amelia’s favorite films because she loves aliens and space movies? So the way to teach them this is wrong is to stop showing them what they don’t need to see TODAY. That is discipline and it IS painful.
Mind blowing discovery:
Discipline isn’t always complicated.
I guess I had this notion that discipline was far more complex and I know it can be at times, but not all the time. I’ll have to carefully work my way through this. For now, the kids will be on Disney and Pixar and little else while I sharpen my discipline tools to help mold them in safe, healthy young women.
How do you use discipline to model right behavior when there’s so much bad all around? Share your advice, I need it!
KID UPDATE
I wanted to update you on the girls’ progress, which is getting easy now! Last week, Zoe demonstrated more clarity in her hand writing – a real struggle for her, but it always improves with homeopathy. I was especially proud of how she wrote the word “space.” Small e’s are difficult, but once she figured it out it’s a spiral, she got into it and I helped her write it in the right direction. On Thursday, she had ZERO incidents of any sort, which is a huge praise! She also got a taste of Spanish class and loved it. She communicated by calling all her friends by name, and has been using lots of 3-5 word phrases!
These are real milestones for my girl! I Oh and then there’s this, a first:
My girls walking out together for the first time.
Could be advancement, or maybe they’re just play-acting “Frozen,” but this is the first time they’ve walked to the bus together. And doesn’t that photo just SQUEEZE your heart?
Maybe a solid friendship between the two will help them be there for each other when the issues with boys – and, God willing, saying, “No” – comes up.
*You didn’t know I’m a time travel fanatic? Me? The HUGE fan of “Lost
“? And “The Time Traveler’s Wife
” is my favorite book. Plus this totally awesome movie, and how thrilled am I that “Continuum” is back even though she’s still too pretty for me. I blame “A Wrinkle in Time
” for this obsession….
Top image courtesy of stockimages, / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.
Jessica @EatSleepBe says
Parenting, at least in my opinion, is all about what resonates for you and your family. I have found that what works for one of my kids may not always be what resonates with the other. If keeping the girls from seeing these types of movies is the solution that works best for you, then absolutely go for it.
Gina B says
That’s a way to look at it I’ve never heard, thank you Jessica! Well, it’s something. I’m sure it’s not the total solution but I AM working on the other stuff – speaking to them about privacy, teaching about body parts and self-respect, acknowledging love and my beliefs about marriage while keeping them from what they can’t understand. Although discerning what they do or don’t understand is tricky too!
Lindsey @ sisterstosons.com says
… and this is why I am glad I have all boys (not that they don’t need to be educated about this too…). In all seriousness I couldn’t agree more with your points. I swear I am only letting my kids watch Nick Jr. until they are like 15 😉
Gina B says
And PBS kids, too! Well boys have other things that are complicated, I guess. Judging from growing up with a brother 🙂
Jo-Lynne Shane {Musings of a Housewife} says
Sometimes I think I was the last virgin on her wedding day, lol. I did wait, and I don’t know how to instill that desire into my kids. I guess the way my mother instilled it in me, a lot of realistic conversations about many of the things you mention here – the realities of promiscuity, how it truly DOES have consequences, many that they don’t realize until it’s too late, setting limits, being smart about where I spent time with boys, and a lot of prayer. It’s tough b/c the world seems very much against us now.
Gina B says
That’s great advice, Jo-Lynne, thank you. A great example used last night was, “Would you let your toddler just run out in the street and suffer consequences?” Of course not! You’d stop him however you could because of the danger. When I think about it like that, it makes more sense to make them aware of the consequences.
Caitlin says
First of all that picture of your girls is so sweet!! I also completely agree with you. I worry about my daughter even watching preteen shows and seeing ads and commercials that aren’t appropriate.
Gina B says
No they are not! What’s really bad is when you are watching a day time show and they advertise a horror movie or horror show…which is a WHOLE other issue, but man, they don’t make it easy, do they?
Barbara @ Homeroom At Home says
Excellent article and comments. We too have limited our daughter to Disney Jr and Disney classics although question the message in those sometimes too (Ariel disobeying her father, while he holds the guilt; Lilo’s violence (not to mention the sisters’ fights) and the list goes on w/ each princess including the newest in Frozen). But in selective filtering and conscience discussion all of our daughters will have more of the tools needed as their young adult journey is before them. Remember the classic like Shirley Temple, remember to validate your daughter’s self-worth often, and when the time comes remember too to let go and let God… trust that all you’ve done and all your prayers were not on deaf ears.
Gina B says
Thanks Barbara. Your comment really made me smile. Classics, time for those too. Well, some Disney is better than others, some is worse. We try to give them plenty of worth, and yes, I’ve already given them to God. It’ll be more of a challenge as they grow, I’m sure, but it’s what I can do. His hands are better than mine 🙂
Mel {MamaBuzz} says
Our oldest just turned 12 yesterday, so it’s really starting to hit me that he only has maybe 6-7 years left at home, and I’m feeling a little panicked. Are we teaching him enough? Are we talking enough, as a family? Are we talking through the important issues that need to be talked about, like this? When it comes to things like this, it is a very personal decision for each family. And you have to do what’s right for your family. I agree with you, most of the movies today are depicting it as you say, and it’s really sad. It’s like it’s being ingrained in our kids that this is ok. I think for me, it’s going to be important for me to be honest with my boys and maybe even share some of our story, me and my husband. I hope that they will feel comfortable enough to talk to us, which is one reason I hope to keep conversation going…. and pray a LOT….:)
Gina B says
I can’t believe she will be12 in less than a year, so I’m with you! That snuck up fast. We have to grab the reigns quickly. I just read an article on BlogHer that made the same argument as mine about violence…wow! And I guess you can get there with every vice: drug use, alcohol. At least smoking doesn’t seem to be cool anymore. Good luck, communication with our kids is important but really challenging!
kia says
Good luck using love and compassion as you navigate this world. I have 9 nieces and have had to step in with them in this world. Some are LDS that live near BYU and for them the abstinence-only stance couple with male-dominated hierarchy in their community has not led them to be the most informed people in this world. I wish everyone the best path for them and their children.
Gina B says
I didn’t say I wouldn’t teach them everything, Kia. I don’t agree with that either, but I do think we can share our values with our kids. And yes, I think we can make it so that those values are deeper and truer than others. Will they make mistakes? That I shudder about but sure, they will, but for us it goes deeper. Can a girl with Down syndrome and intellectual delays make appropriate birth control choices, or do I step in for her? I don’t know. I don’t see any good answer to that one either. Maybe her delays will decrease and she’ll be able to be like any kid. I’m going to hope for the best and teach them what’s right.
Liza | @aMusingFoodie says
It’s tough! I have a 9-year old girl who seems so much wiser to things than I was at her age. Society, TV, internet and school friends are definitely persuasive. Good luck!
Gina B says
Very true! And I’m just “Mom”. The experts tell me that, subconsciously, I’m the resource and value she’ll got to the most – and for myself, that was true – after a LONG, LONG period of rebellion 🙂
Kristin @littlemamajama says
What a darling photo! My daughter is turning 1 in a couple of weeks, and the thought of all of this scares me. There’s so much to teach – and then, at the end of the day, you just have to trust that you did it all right!
Gina B says
Thank you! You’re right. There’s enough to worry about.