I was out of this awful funk I had tried everything to control my feelings and was desperate by yesterday. I was in this crazy freakin’ spiral calling to mind everything I’ve done wrong or in error, until it was like I had PTSD over some incidents.
Here’s an example: one of Amelia’s dearest friends moved away last summer, and I didn’t even KNOW that the party last spring we were invited to was his farewell until last week. I didn’t even know he moved until 2 weeks ago. And it caused all kinds of pain and stress for Amelia, who also didn’t know, and I felt like an IDIOT. Why in God’s name didn’t I cancel plans and take her?
I got in touch with the mom, who was very kind and we are planning some Skype time for them. But for me, I just rolled in guilt ALL DAY that felt like a heavy, physical burden – and there’ve been lots of tears this week, too, for all the stuff I have not yet let go.
And maybe that’s what it was – a letting go, maybe that’s what this deep pain was. I was reading “Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus
(affiliate link),” and prayed a recommended prayer to give up what I can’t control.
After that, things got significantly WORSE. My gut reaction was that I’m still confused about this “letting go” nonsense. I mean, it’s easy to say it, to pray it, but what does it look like? I can’t even tell you in concrete words, honestly.
But now, I look back, and I think that prayer was the cause of my troubles because I was letting go. I can’t change the past and go to that party. And heck, yea, I would if I could, but I haven’t seen any reliable science on the time travel tech yet, so I needed to grieve over a poor choice, and move forward with making it better. So I let it eat me up yesterday, and today, I feel better about it.
It’s like my leg. I injured it this weekend stepping off a hayride. I iced it, and let it sit, but for some reason the pain didn’t alleviate. Then I was tired of taking the stairs one step at a time, so I said the heck with it, and walked up and down like normal. At first, it hurt. Then it hurt less. Now it barely hurts, but if I’d have stayed with my leg in the air, I can bet you it would still hurt.
Life is like that. We have to walk through our wounds. I had to feel guilt for calling that conference, and possibly hurting some teachers’ feelings yet in the long run, a lot of good came from it – but I had to walk it out. Accept responsibility for where I was wrong or misspoke, acknowledge the guilt and remorse for my screw ups, grieve the pain they’ve caused, and then truly let go.
Am I completely there yet? I don’t know but that’s ok. I will be, sooner or later.
UPDATES
In spite of this crap, it’s been a good week. We brought the kids to the Celtic Festival and when we got there, stupidly waited on line for food & drink tickets. The weather was perfect, but Zoe was in no mood for such a wait and started to lose it. When we were finally done, we grabbed some food and sat down in front of a drummer in a less crowded area. This was perfect – he let the kids play the bongos and Zoe was completely engaged, and that set her day up for success! (Wondering if I should get her drum lessons?)
What really got her going, though, was the concert at the end of the day by Barleyjuice, who seem to predominantly sing about getting hammered. Apparently, the girl DIGS Irish rock (so do I, it’s so PUNK!). And she appropriately applauded at the end of each song! It was a joy to see both girly girls dancing it up.
