I just read an article, “Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood” by John Cloud and I’m kind of ticked off. A paper published by journal Psychological Science, showing the results of two studies, whose authors conclude not only are parents less calm than non-parents (no sh** sherlock) but also that parents are angrier, more depressed, and less happy than people without children. Not only that, but that parents in the study “idealized” the benefits to outweigh outweigh financial burden of raising children. In addition, the author – who was obviously childless – took this in a very offensive tone to mean that humans are deluded and are going to keep having children the same way they “throw good money after bad”.
The problems with the study is apparent to me after reading the article twice. First, they seem to be equating financial hardship with depression. I know that financial burdens make life difficult and debt can bring on negative emotions, especially in this economy. However, isn’t the whole movement nowadays to let go “stuff” and live simpler? Money, or lack thereof, doesn’t bring you happiness, only you can make yourself happy, no matter the circumstances. Don’t we do that when we stop focusing on the stuff, and rather on the joy you can find in embracing life? Who better to watch embracing life than our own children? They are the ones who run and jump and dance when no music is playing. They can look at a blank sheet of paper and drawn their family without caring that they are stick figures…it’s art to them. They jump up and down when a person they love visits, or a special dinner is made, or the first day it’s warm enough to play outside. Know what that joy is? It’s infectious, especially when life’s burdens are getting you down.
In the second study, they asked people to compare enjoyment of spending time with their kids to spending it with friends, spouses, etc. Now, in my opinion, this is not a fair question. First of all, your kids are always there, and they almost always need something. This is a 24hr/7day a week job, so of course, getting alone time with adults is preferable. No duh. Also, spending time with a being who is 1/10th or 1/5th your age is not easy. You can’t exactly crack open a couple of beers and talk politics or debate which Star Trek is the best or shout the lyrics of a Weezer song or even discuss in depth the spiritual void you are currently feeling. And that will be a good portion of your relationship with your kids, especially for those of us later-in-life parents.
I’ve got to admit, too, that some mornings when I’m in the kitchen doing before-school mommy stuff, and Amelia drags me out to dance to the opening of “The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot about That”, I think, “I don’t wanna!” But I do, and then something in my defenses breaks down, and I feel really good and I’m enjoying it in the moment. I’m tapping into my inner kid, and letting go. And sometimes, I still don’t want to and can’t wait til the bus comes so I can turn off stupid PBS.
And yet, none of that covers the feeling, the real, true, feeling that people who don’t have kids, adopted or birthed, that call them mommy or daddy will most likely ever experience. I can’t explain it. It’s like a treasure that you have…one who, yes, may grow up and disappoint and hurt you, true. But in that moment there is this utter feeling almost like bliss about parenthood that comes from time to time and is overwhelming.
Now, there, that I’ve written that, whew! Raising children successfully is painful, depressing, frustrating, expensive…and thrilling, challenging, exciting, interesting, fulfilling and wonderful. I don’t own one damn thing that has the value that one of my girls’ hugs give me, not one. In spite of everything, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I’m sorry, Mr. Cloud, if you don’t care about the continuation of the species and you think all of us are delusional. I get the feeling you think we’re stupid too, something about, hm, I don’t know, your condescending tone of your article? I’m glad you got this out on the open. The solution for you is don’t have kids, ever. Now let us grown ups who went into this parenting thing with our eyes open and our hearts on the table enjoy it.
What do you make of this article and study? How do you really feel about being a parent? Share your thoughts below.
Toni @ Carrigan's Joy says
An awesome post! I think you hit the nail on the head: it’s not all about money and family life is a whole mess of everything. It just depends on how you look at it, what you want, and weather or not you’re lucky enough to really figure it all out.
Toni
admin says
Thanks Toni! I think we can all figure it out, but it takes a lot of effort. Once you do, it’s a pretty good life 🙂
Toni @ Carrigan's Joy says
An awesome post! I think you hit the nail on the head: it’s not all about money and family life is a whole mess of everything. It just depends on how you look at it, what you want, and weather or not you’re lucky enough to really figure it all out.
Toni
admin says
Thanks Toni! I think we can all figure it out, but it takes a lot of effort. Once you do, it’s a pretty good life 🙂
Shawn says
Love your post! I’m a father of 2 small kids and of course I agree with you wholeheartedly. You said it so well, nothing can replace the value I get when my son smiles and tells me he loves me, or when my daughter won’t let go of me when I give her a bed time kiss.
That is true happiness…and anyone that thinks otherwise simply hasn’t experienced it.
admin says
Hi Shawn, welcome! So nice to see a dad here. And thank you. Parenting is definitely not for everyone, and not at all what anyone expects. Even when it’s tough though, it’s a choice I never regret.
Shawn says
Love your post! I’m a father of 2 small kids and of course I agree with you wholeheartedly. You said it so well, nothing can replace the value I get when my son smiles and tells me he loves me, or when my daughter won’t let go of me when I give her a bed time kiss.
That is true happiness…and anyone that thinks otherwise simply hasn’t experienced it.
admin says
Hi Shawn, welcome! So nice to see a dad here. And thank you. Parenting is definitely not for everyone, and not at all what anyone expects. Even when it’s tough though, it’s a choice I never regret.
Colleen says
I think parents have a better grasp on reality than those without children. Most things in life that have meaning, one has to work for…and children are a lot of work!
admin says
True, true, true Colleen! That’s an interesting perspective, about having a better grasp on reality. You may be right…you have to even be a half-way decent parent. Thanks for sharing.
Colleen says
I think parents have a better grasp on reality than those without children. Most things in life that have meaning, one has to work for…and children are a lot of work!
admin says
True, true, true Colleen! That’s an interesting perspective, about having a better grasp on reality. You may be right…you have to even be a half-way decent parent. Thanks for sharing.
admin says
Thanks Susan! I agree..I think the study was too black and white, and that’s not reality. Life is a trade-off, and the most worthwhile things are also the most challenging. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them! I totally think that’s what free will and most of feminism is about. It’s a choice, but I dont think as many people regret having kids as this study would lead you to believe.
admin says
Thanks Susan! I agree..I think the study was too black and white, and that’s not reality. Life is a trade-off, and the most worthwhile things are also the most challenging. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them! I totally think that’s what free will and most of feminism is about. It’s a choice, but I dont think as many people regret having kids as this study would lead you to believe.
MonogrammedEverything says
So so so true! Thanks for sharing this. Being a parent is super tough but super rewarding as well!! The good far outweighs the bad!
Jen
http://www.monogrammedeverything.com
MonogrammedEverything says
So so so true! Thanks for sharing this. Being a parent is super tough but super rewarding as well!! The good far outweighs the bad!
Jen
http://www.monogrammedeverything.com