First, some gratuitous vacation photos:
Storm clouds have zero effect on whether or not she swims. She WILL swim.
The secret to cooling down on a hot theme park day? Lying on the stone pavers. That’s why they put them there, right?
She was literally DONE with rides by this point at Universal, but games? Never too tired for that!
This week, someone reached out to me about a movie about people with autism falling in love. The timing was impeccable, actually, because this has been on my mind a lot lately.
When we have a baby, there’s something in us that responds with “and one day I’ll be a grandparent!” I have no idea where this comes from – some biological urge to preserve our legacy? Some misguided “after all my hard work, I’ll be rewarded with a baby to spoil” idea? This idea was confirmed when I saw a clip from the movie of a mother (of a child with autism) who said she wanted her child to get married. “Don’t we all?”
Wherever it comes from, I can tell you that I had it in the delivery room on January 12, 2003 as I held my newborn infant, even though I already suspected she had Down syndrome. And I’m sure that part of my tears over her diagnosis were mourning that a grandchild was not in my future.
There are other things I’ve mulled over as well, that I’m not ready to discuss, and I’ve kind of come to a conclusion:
We are not all meant to fall in love and get married.
Which then has led me to this realization:
Our society is FIXATED on romantic love being the get-out and be-all over everything.
I call BS on that! This stupid American obsession on this goal of marriage (and the accompanying goal of divorce* if you happen to “fall out of love”) is merely a lie, but it permeates everything, from posters on the subway to every single show and movie ever written. SERIOUSLY. Please, if you can think of a show or movie made in the last 5 years that does not have romance as a serious plot or subplot, let me know, I’d like to watch it!
I believe that God clearly and totally has a plan for all of us. For some people, this plan requires a lifelong partner. For others, a lifelong partner is a distraction from his or her true purpose.
Now me? I am not good on my own. I wouldn’t last 5 minutes solo, and life was torture for me until the day I met Chris. YES, I put way too much weight on romantic love, that was part of it, but the life I’m living, even on the days when marriage sucks**, is the one I was made for. And please don’t get me wrong; I’m a romantic at heart, so this is all hard for me to say. My stories always have romance in them – it’s how I’m made, I can’t help it. That is the meatiest part of many stories for me. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be married? But that is not the question: the question is, are you pinning everything on this, and is it even your fate, your ideal future?
For my kids? I have no idea. I know that my child with autism *may* to my mind have a better chance at marriage, but I also know that Amelia is a lover – and I don’t see her spending her life without a partner. Maybe, maybe not – I’m prepared for anything for both my girls, but I don’t want them thinking they are less if this is not the plan for them. There are many kinds of love, and I have no idea why we have it in our heads that eros is better than any of the others.
So my lesson for this week is for us to stop thinking of our kids as future mates for someone, and to see them as they were designed to be – whether or not a spouse in their future. Oh, and one caveat: they are still sexual beings, but for me, sex needs to come in marriage and not out. That’s my choice & belief, and I hope to instill those values in my girls so they can value themselves as more than someone else’s prize or plaything.
Do you think of your kids as future spouses and parents, or not? I’m interested to know the answer!
*I’m NOT anti-divorce. No, it is not endorsed in my faith or biblically, however, I’ve seen marriages that never should have taken place at all, and I’ve seen marriages where one partner completely and utterly fails to lift a finger to improve for years, and I’m witnessed abuse in marriages. There are situations which, I think, require the action of divorce, I just don’t believe in getting divorced because you’re “falling out of love.” Love is an action and a choice. If you think it’s a feeling, you’re not ready for marriage.
**Let’s be real now. I love my husband daily but he can drive me up the wall, and I do the same to him. This is our only option: to marry an imperfect human, so yea, some days are going to suck – however, a lot of those we create ourselves. View marriage as an act of serving someone else, and less days suck. This has been my own experience, your mileage may vary.
Claudia Krusch says
Loved reading your beautiful post!
Gina B says
Thanks, Claudia!
Kim says
This is a very honest and beautiful post. I don’t think of my kids being wives, but I do think of them as parents. Because doing so means I have to face the reality that they will be bigger and make their own decisions and have a life all their own. I never thought I’d say I didn’t want them to get older, but they’re at this fun age (4 and 5) and I love it. I want them to stay little so I can squeeze them all the time. I hope that showing them how much we love them so often will instill good and caring traits. If they choose to never marry, that’s their decision and I will always be supportive!
Gina B says
True, Kim – I always try to enjoy the “now” because some day they won’t want me squeezing, hugging, and putting them on my lap! I once read in a book of a woman who siad her kids were “at the best age”…every year of their lives. Since then I try to do that – there’s something great every year. But “a life of their own”…that’s something so unclear for my kids at this point. We’ll see (always the optimist 🙂
Janeane Davos says
I enjoyed reading this post. I often think about who my children will marry and what life will be like for them as adults. ge love and the future.
Gina B says
Yes, we all do. I pray now for “if” they should get married, who that person will grow up to be & how they’ll treat my girls.
Jessica @FoundtheMarbles says
No matter what you are mourning or how this has affected you, know that each of your thoughts are valid and understandable. I fully agree that not everyone is meant to be married, but I do believe that everyone can find love in their own way and on their own terms.
Gina B says
Agreed! There are other kinds of love – like I said, Amelia is a lover, she’s an amazing friend with a big heart. I wonder if that can be rewarding enough for her.
Gina B says
Important to teach but so challenging!
Kathryn @ Mamacado says
I love this quote: “Love is an action and a choice. If you think it’s a feeling, you’re not ready for marriage.” So true and insightful.
Gina B says
Thank you Kathryn!
Ruth says
I used to think that there was not a girl with DS beautiful enough for my gorgeous son Blake. However, now that he’s almost 7, I’ve seen enough little girls out there who would probably be just wonderful with and for him, who love with their whole heart and enjoy the same things he does. He’s a flirt and sometimes a bit “needy” of affection. I’m a romantic, but I don’t romanticize anything anymore (that I know of). I actually had a meltdown shortly after Blake was born. The OB would not circumcise him bc of a heart issue. So, I went to a urologist who said he’d have to do it when he was 4 months old but then put him under (anesthesia). The kicker was, the urologist said it could render him impotent. Right then and there I had to fast forward to whether my son would even *NEED* that … yes, THAT, to work or work well, work right, use it, etc. UGH. It was awful. Needless to say, I chose to leave all of that alone and just let it be. So, hopefully that WON’T be an issue after all if he does fall in love. 🙂 NOW, if I could just get him potty trained so he could actually stand up at the front of the church waiting for his bride without a poop in his Depends… (HELP ME)
Gina B says
Hi Ruth! I applaud your decision. I don’t have boys, but have friends who have not circumcised sons, he’ll be fine. I hope his heart issue is ok?? Amelia was potty trained around 7, with the help of an amazing aide in 1st grade, so he can get there! (Zoe’s going in 2nd and not, so don’t ask me what the secret is, lol). I was going to say Amelia’s a bit too old for him, but I’m 6 years older than my husband, so who knows? 🙂 He’ll be fine. People with Down syndrome DO get married, we always think they don’t, but things change and the support for our community is better now. Good luck!