So, this little voice whispers in my ear from time to time, and it’s the voice of unreason, or guilt, or the dark side.
It has no business in my life, but it thinks it can win.
It says, “It’s your fault your children have disabilities.”
It’s often followed by a checklist: you didn’t breastfeed, you were on blood thinners, you ate GMOs and MSG, you had a cat, you live in polluted places, you are a horrible, horrible mother.
And when it gets to that point, I can defeat it, because deep inside, I know I’m a good mother, even if it takes my husband, my kids, my friends and God Himself to convince me.
But that voice is insidious too.
For example, I may be with someone I care about who’s child also had delays or disabilities a year ago but seems nearly fine now. Then that little voice will say something ELSE like:
“It’s because she has more faith than you. SHE didn’t need homeopathy and dietary intervention; God just favored her more because she’s been a Christian way better and way longer than YOUR FAITHLESS ASS.”
So that’s when I know it’s the dark side that’s intervening.
God doesn’t HAVE favorites; he does have a plan though.
It’s NOT my fault that my kids have disabilities that I believe are, at least in some part, contributed to by diet and toxins, when I didn’t know any better. I have faith my children can heal, but I ALWAYS have to temper it with the reality that they may not – perhaps it’s not God’s will for them.
Perhaps they will never be able to eat dairy or soy or gluten or preservatives to think properly. What’s so bad about that?
And homeopathy? For me, it’s the story of the guy standing on the roof during the flood, waiting for God to save him, and turning down the boat and the helicopter that GOD SENT. Homeopathy, I think, is my helicopter.
Perhaps their journey with food, healing and faith is just as much mine, and just as much yours, dear reader.
So take heart, please. It doesn’t matter what you did in the past that was wrong, or lazy, or that you didn’t know. It doesn’t matter because you start from right here, right now, helping your kids get better – as much as God wills them to be, anyway. What you need is to love them and try your best, that’s all you can do.
I’m here to help. I hope you know that. I’ll be praying for you, too, so when that voice whispers in your ear, as it surely will, you’ll know that it’s flat out lying.
And then you can begin to heal too.
Amelia and me on our vacation
maria @close to home says
it takes a lot to admit all of this. but you are right it is not your fault.
Gina B says
Thanks Maria.
Heidi says
Thanks for sharing this. I don’t have a child with disabilities but I think as moms we all get this guilt about different things. I think God does have a plan for all of us, but it can be so hard to trust Him 🙂
Gina B says
Thanks, Heidi, yes, I’m sure all moms do! I bet all blame ourselves for every thing going on with our kids.
Sherry says
Thank for writing this I think all moms try to find blame in themselves. But you are right it not our fault. great post
Gina B says
Thanks, Sherry. Big trend in my community to beat ourselves up over it, and an easy trap to fall into. It helps no one, IMO!
Carrie says
Gosh, I know– I beat myself up all the time over things like this. What if I’d pushed for another ultrasound or demanded a c-section? I might have avoided the entire traumatic birth thing!
But the truth is, if it wasn’t GMOs or pollution or ultrasounds that didn’t diagnose properly, it would be something else. Every generation has it’s blind spots and there is just no way to know them ahead of time. Think about the generation that smoked while pregnant! Yikes! But we can’t blame people for what they don’t know. There’s no way I could have known about my daughter’s vasa previa, just as you can’t be blamed. Thanks for your message. It’s much, much healthier to try our best and move on!
Gina B says
Good point, Carrie! Part of the problem is that the correct information seems so difficult to get. Good point about the “smoking” generation. My aunt smoked back in the day, and her OB told her it was FINE, but her gut sensed something wrong about that. So I’m thankful she didn’t smoke while pregnant, but she might have! Not all of us have that good a “gut” instinct though – and that’s ok, you’re right, be healthier and move on!
Maria says
Very touching! My Aunt goes through major struggles as well & finds comfort in her faith as well. I feel for her. Your faith is tremendous & inspiring!!
Gina B says
Aw, thanks Maria! Faith really helps me through.
Lisa says
Interesting how different Moms have different perspectives. No, it’s no my fault, but our similarities end there 😉
Gina B says
That’s how the world is designed, I think. It takes the differences to make it flow. Personally, I went from only having friends exactly like me to now – most people I know are some degree of polar opposite from me in something. It’s good – it helps create bridges and open world views, in my experience at least.