DO PARENTS REALLY HATE PARENTING?
First of all, just let me say:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Now I have been known to, once in a very very blue moon, bemoan my day of parenting on this blog (lol). Sure, parenting is hard. And let’s face it, even in the best of circumstances there can be gray skies in any happy family. Disabilities, financial troubles, administrative nightmare, job loss, illness – that can really trump up the challenge.
But “hate” it?
No, no way! First of all, my kids are not my “project”. I have plenty of projects, none of them devoted to molding human beings. They are my responsibility, my treasure, and my pride, and I do take the time to make sure they are getting what they need from me, developmentally, physically, spiritually, and all that other stuff that comes with parenting.
Secondly, I enjoy them. I do, I really do! The girls warm my heart with their laughter and can cheer me up after a bad day. They make me beam when they do something amazing or conquer a goal we’ve struggled with.
Are there things about parenting I don’t like? Certainly! (Dirty diapers come to mind. And dirty runny noses. And the dirt in their hair. In fact, the sheer accumulation of dirt created by 2 little girls is constantly amazing me.) And perhaps, if I had to fill out a paper application recounting the tasks of parenting before I actually ever got pregnant, I might have run for birth control.
But parenting is not a list of traits on paper, and it is not a job that you quantify, qualify, and calculate. It can’t be, it shouldn’t be. (This is not to say that women who are moms are not undervalued in the workplace and that that should be rectified, so in that context, we can put a value on parenting, but not as a set of tasks. Read “Remodeling Motherhood
” for more on this topic, my review is here.)
How do I feel about parenting? It’s difficult and challenging, even on the best of days. I never was told it would be anything else. But like any sweet thing in life, it has to be, and the rewards are worth it:
(Pssst, see I told you I’d be sharing vacation photos, you know, sooner or later…)
WHY YOU LOOOOOVE PARENTING! C’mon, I dare you, share with me your stories of joy.
Naomi says
Funny, I’ve just noticed that when things are good at home and with the kids, i don’t really have much to blog about. I feel like no one really wants to hear about the good stuff. So, sure, if someone were to take a look at the blogs and other parenting media out there, people would probably think that we hate it.
But NO WAY!! i LOVE IT!! Like you and everyone else, I have my crap months, I mean days, but you know, at the end of each and every day, no matter how crappy, no matter how may times Little Mr. Man peed himself, or Little Miss pulled out clumps of my hair, no matter how dirty they, the house or the cats got, at the end of the day I have nothing but a warm sensation in my heart. I love my children, even the challenges they bring. Without them, life would be so boring and mundane!
Now I’ll try and read the article that you posted with this post 😉
admin says
Hi Naomi, well said!! Yes, even when I’m having a pity party day – which is rare now – I still CAN’T HELP but feel how blessed I am with my 2 little angel-monsters, lol! I actually DO blog when things are good, to share my inspirations, encouragement, to help, and of course, when I’m beaming with pride 🙂
Naomi says
Funny, I’ve just noticed that when things are good at home and with the kids, i don’t really have much to blog about. I feel like no one really wants to hear about the good stuff. So, sure, if someone were to take a look at the blogs and other parenting media out there, people would probably think that we hate it.
But NO WAY!! i LOVE IT!! Like you and everyone else, I have my crap months, I mean days, but you know, at the end of each and every day, no matter how crappy, no matter how may times Little Mr. Man peed himself, or Little Miss pulled out clumps of my hair, no matter how dirty they, the house or the cats got, at the end of the day I have nothing but a warm sensation in my heart. I love my children, even the challenges they bring. Without them, life would be so boring and mundane!
Now I’ll try and read the article that you posted with this post 😉
admin says
Hi Naomi, well said!! Yes, even when I’m having a pity party day – which is rare now – I still CAN’T HELP but feel how blessed I am with my 2 little angel-monsters, lol! I actually DO blog when things are good, to share my inspirations, encouragement, to help, and of course, when I’m beaming with pride 🙂
Sarah says
I love your blog and you probably already know this but you are the number one ranking in google for mom blog!!! Congrats to that! Not sure if that is on purpose or not but I am guessing it is. I love your blog just for that and I will be back.
admin says
Welcome Sarah! Yes, I do, but no, actually it wasn’t on purpose! I just did a mom blog waaaaay back when (seemed a logical URL name), and kept blogging (or, in the early days, whining). PS, I like you better than Dooce 🙂
Sarah says
I love your blog and you probably already know this but you are the number one ranking in google for mom blog!!! Congrats to that! Not sure if that is on purpose or not but I am guessing it is. I love your blog just for that and I will be back.
admin says
Welcome Sarah! Yes, I do, but no, actually it wasn’t on purpose! I just did a mom blog waaaaay back when (seemed a logical URL name), and kept blogging (or, in the early days, whining). PS, I like you better than Dooce 🙂
KrisM says
A child seems to require extreme personal sacrifice, thus parenting can’t always be perfect. I mean, who can be 100% happy when you have to give so much of yourself to another? Sure the rewards of child rearing can be great but at who’s expense? Also, why is it wrong for a parent to mourn the loss of themselves/their pre-baby life for the sake of raising a child/ren? Shouldn’t parents be allowed to mourn once in a while? I think so, it’s just life; nothing is perfect, not even parenting. Finally, why is it so hard for parents to maintain their individuality/interesting-ness after they’ve had a children?
I have many friends that I can barely speak with anymore because all they talk about is their children – i.e.: who graduated from pre-k with honors (are you serious??), who passed a test, who did well at a sport, who was fresh, etc. After listening to kid talk for too long I become quite bored. As a woman without kids, by choice, I sometimes want to scream, “Enough of the kid talk already! How are YOU? What’s new in YOUR life? What new things have YOU done for yourself lately?” When I do ask such questions the response is usually silence or “oh nothing’s new with me” .
Perhaps it’s the cosmos but I have seen some of the most interesting people in my life abandon their ‘interesting-ness’ to raise kids. It’s sad to me. Too bad so few of the women/men I know have managed to balance both children and themselves in a positive manner. Maybe it just isn’t meant to be done?
admin says
Ah Kris, so many questions, so little time! lol… I’m not sure I’d say “extreme” personal sacrifice, remember that I’m a special needs mom and so the demands are different and last longer than typical kid’s parents (typically kids are out of diapers by age 3).
100% happy? What’s that? And remember, there’s a difference between happy (a temporary thing, usually connected to circumstances), contentedness (a long term thing, often to do with circumstance), and joy (an inner state of being). I have happy times and sad and angry – and I appreciate them all, especially as a writer. But I am more or less content, and I find a great deal of joy in my life.
Parenting isn’t for everyone, and as a feminist, I support a woman’s right to choose childnessless, whether or not she’s married. As for mourning my pre-mommy life, I did it, but also for me, it’s part of growing up. Kids or no, I don’t think I’d go back to that life style, it’s not sustainable for me.
And finally, you are hanging with the wrong mommies. Now here, it’s “Mom Blog” so I mostly talk about my kids. And yea, I talk about my kids with other folks. But I also go out without them, and when I do I rarely bring them up. I’m a writer (see my other blog) and I can talk about that a lot. I like to talk about spirituality,web design, business/marketing, networking, politics (got any new Palin jokes?), the environment, literature, movies (did anyone else think Iron Man 2 was just more of the same?), TV (don’t get me started about Lost), Pop Culture, Scifi, home remodeling, lots of things. Sure, I preen when my kids achieve something, but I also have a life outside them. If not, I’d lose my mind…and I’d be hurting myself. They won’t always live here, they will have a life of their own. What better way to teach them independence and open their minds than show them that there are other things that interest YOU?
It is meant to be done. Even if your kids will need you for most or all of their lives, you have to have something of your own. I feel for these parents you know. Someday they may find themselves alone and bitter. Hopefully they will rise above and make their own lives then.
peace out, Kris
KrisM says
A child seems to require extreme personal sacrifice, thus parenting can’t always be perfect. I mean, who can be 100% happy when you have to give so much of yourself to another? Sure the rewards of child rearing can be great but at who’s expense? Also, why is it wrong for a parent to mourn the loss of themselves/their pre-baby life for the sake of raising a child/ren? Shouldn’t parents be allowed to mourn once in a while? I think so, it’s just life; nothing is perfect, not even parenting. Finally, why is it so hard for parents to maintain their individuality/interesting-ness after they’ve had a children?
I have many friends that I can barely speak with anymore because all they talk about is their children – i.e.: who graduated from pre-k with honors (are you serious??), who passed a test, who did well at a sport, who was fresh, etc. After listening to kid talk for too long I become quite bored. As a woman without kids, by choice, I sometimes want to scream, “Enough of the kid talk already! How are YOU? What’s new in YOUR life? What new things have YOU done for yourself lately?” When I do ask such questions the response is usually silence or “oh nothing’s new with me” .
Perhaps it’s the cosmos but I have seen some of the most interesting people in my life abandon their ‘interesting-ness’ to raise kids. It’s sad to me. Too bad so few of the women/men I know have managed to balance both children and themselves in a positive manner. Maybe it just isn’t meant to be done?
admin says
Ah Kris, so many questions, so little time! lol… I’m not sure I’d say “extreme” personal sacrifice, remember that I’m a special needs mom and so the demands are different and last longer than typical kid’s parents (typically kids are out of diapers by age 3).
100% happy? What’s that? And remember, there’s a difference between happy (a temporary thing, usually connected to circumstances), contentedness (a long term thing, often to do with circumstance), and joy (an inner state of being). I have happy times and sad and angry – and I appreciate them all, especially as a writer. But I am more or less content, and I find a great deal of joy in my life.
Parenting isn’t for everyone, and as a feminist, I support a woman’s right to choose childnessless, whether or not she’s married. As for mourning my pre-mommy life, I did it, but also for me, it’s part of growing up. Kids or no, I don’t think I’d go back to that life style, it’s not sustainable for me.
And finally, you are hanging with the wrong mommies. Now here, it’s “Mom Blog” so I mostly talk about my kids. And yea, I talk about my kids with other folks. But I also go out without them, and when I do I rarely bring them up. I’m a writer (see my other blog) and I can talk about that a lot. I like to talk about spirituality,web design, business/marketing, networking, politics (got any new Palin jokes?), the environment, literature, movies (did anyone else think Iron Man 2 was just more of the same?), TV (don’t get me started about Lost), Pop Culture, Scifi, home remodeling, lots of things. Sure, I preen when my kids achieve something, but I also have a life outside them. If not, I’d lose my mind…and I’d be hurting myself. They won’t always live here, they will have a life of their own. What better way to teach them independence and open their minds than show them that there are other things that interest YOU?
It is meant to be done. Even if your kids will need you for most or all of their lives, you have to have something of your own. I feel for these parents you know. Someday they may find themselves alone and bitter. Hopefully they will rise above and make their own lives then.
peace out, Kris
KrisM says
Thanks for the great response! I enjoyed reading it. What you wrote makes a lot of sense. :0)
admin says
Thanks, I’m glad you read it and enjoyed it. Yea, parenting is a big deal, but it’s not the only deal. The goal is grow a future generation, not to make ourselves the center of their universes.
KrisM says
Thanks for the great response! I enjoyed reading it. What you wrote makes a lot of sense. :0)
admin says
Thanks, I’m glad you read it and enjoyed it. Yea, parenting is a big deal, but it’s not the only deal. The goal is grow a future generation, not to make ourselves the center of their universes.
Jenny says
I can’t believe I just saw this response to my article over on KidGalore.com. Busy couple of weeks, but wanted to say thanks for reading it and providing your own take on it!
I loved reading your thoughts and your experiences. The article that inspired me really made me think, because I know a lot of parents who don’t enjoy parenting, but like the stigma of being a parent. Parents who brag and said, “All I ever wanted was to be a mommy,” but in the next breath complain about how much time their kids take up.
Having kids requires hard work and dedication, but being a parent is literally the most rewarding job in the world. That’s my thought, and I’m stickin’ to it!
Thanks again!
admin says
Hi Jenny, no worries! I responded to your last comment but it seemed to be lost in the ether…
Great point about hard work and dedication! Yea, I never got parents like that, I always think “why did you have kids?” There’s certainly no one in this day and age that will say it’s an easy gig but it IS rewarding. What a shame they can’t see it.
Glad you’re sticking to it!
Jenny says
I can’t believe I just saw this response to my article over on KidGalore.com. Busy couple of weeks, but wanted to say thanks for reading it and providing your own take on it!
I loved reading your thoughts and your experiences. The article that inspired me really made me think, because I know a lot of parents who don’t enjoy parenting, but like the stigma of being a parent. Parents who brag and said, “All I ever wanted was to be a mommy,” but in the next breath complain about how much time their kids take up.
Having kids requires hard work and dedication, but being a parent is literally the most rewarding job in the world. That’s my thought, and I’m stickin’ to it!
Thanks again!
admin says
Hi Jenny, no worries! I responded to your last comment but it seemed to be lost in the ether…
Great point about hard work and dedication! Yea, I never got parents like that, I always think “why did you have kids?” There’s certainly no one in this day and age that will say it’s an easy gig but it IS rewarding. What a shame they can’t see it.
Glad you’re sticking to it!
Leah says
Hi! I just wanted to let you know I loved reading this blog. To be completely honest, at a very young age (I’d say 7 or 8) I KNEW that I would be married with children, hopefully alot of them. But within the last 2 years my mind has taken a complete 180. (I’m 24 by the way) I see a lot of girls from high school that have children, and they seem very happy (on facebook at least, don’t really keep up with anyone from highschool) and excited about their children, I just don’t feel ready for it. I’m currently working on my Masters degree, my boyfriend of 2 years is great, I own my own home, and we have two dogs that I love with my whole heart. Kids seem to be something that would seriously throw me for a loop and throw off my whole plan. I know I want kids some day, but for right now I am perfectly content waiting for a while. Although, at this point in my life, I can relate more to KrisM, I must admit, Admin (sorry! don’t see your name!) and Naomi’s posts brought a little twinge to my heart.
admin says
Hi Leah, my name is Gina. I admire you working towards find the right time to have kids, but I caution: I was doing the same thing, until someone told me, “if you’re waiting for the perfect time, it will never happen”. Of course I was 32 at the time, so big difference from you. I wouldn’t have kids if I was in school (can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to return and failed after kids were born). Plans are good to have, but don’t be married to them. And I do think, just personally, that it’s better to be married and make sure your partner wants kids too. It’s hard enough parenting when I’m home alone, but a single parent? Ugh, I don’t know how I’d survive. Plus you have this “weight” of responsibility that I felt early on, that I don’t think I could of survived if I hadn’t have known Chris was sharing it with me. Of course, I’m a survivor, so I’d make due no matter what! Good luck with you plans, education and career, that’s wonderful.
Leah says
Hi! I just wanted to let you know I loved reading this blog. To be completely honest, at a very young age (I’d say 7 or 8) I KNEW that I would be married with children, hopefully alot of them. But within the last 2 years my mind has taken a complete 180. (I’m 24 by the way) I see a lot of girls from high school that have children, and they seem very happy (on facebook at least, don’t really keep up with anyone from highschool) and excited about their children, I just don’t feel ready for it. I’m currently working on my Masters degree, my boyfriend of 2 years is great, I own my own home, and we have two dogs that I love with my whole heart. Kids seem to be something that would seriously throw me for a loop and throw off my whole plan. I know I want kids some day, but for right now I am perfectly content waiting for a while. Although, at this point in my life, I can relate more to KrisM, I must admit, Admin (sorry! don’t see your name!) and Naomi’s posts brought a little twinge to my heart.
admin says
Hi Leah, my name is Gina. I admire you working towards find the right time to have kids, but I caution: I was doing the same thing, until someone told me, “if you’re waiting for the perfect time, it will never happen”. Of course I was 32 at the time, so big difference from you. I wouldn’t have kids if I was in school (can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to return and failed after kids were born). Plans are good to have, but don’t be married to them. And I do think, just personally, that it’s better to be married and make sure your partner wants kids too. It’s hard enough parenting when I’m home alone, but a single parent? Ugh, I don’t know how I’d survive. Plus you have this “weight” of responsibility that I felt early on, that I don’t think I could of survived if I hadn’t have known Chris was sharing it with me. Of course, I’m a survivor, so I’d make due no matter what! Good luck with you plans, education and career, that’s wonderful.