I see that I have not blogged in a whole 5 days! Well, readers, that is because I took 4 whole days off! I didn’t write, work, think about work, stress over my career, or any of that. It wasn’t perfect…Chris ended up in the ER with torn rib cartilage (no idea how), and Zoe was a bit of a handful on Thanksgiving.
The upside to all this down time was that it gave me time to reflect. I wasn’t even consciously aware that I was making discoveries about myself, I just had a few epiphanies, which I’d like to share:
- Why I failed at NaNoWriMo: You may remember that for a little while this month, I had participated in National Novel Writing Month. I was going to write my devotional, which I had felt very strongly God wanted me to do. After reading another devotional
that inspired me to dive right in, I did…and failed spectacularly. A dear writer friend said it was poor timing, most likely. But the sermon at church yesterday convinced me otherwise. I think I failed at coming to the page empty. I was chock full of ME: my ideas, my failings, my sufferings, my inspirations and encouragement. But it’s a devotional, so shouldn’t it have been full of GOD? Even if it hadn’t of been, The Artist’s Way taught me years ago to dump all that crap in a journal so that you have room for divine inspiration to fill you. I will try this again, when I feel led to again, which could be tonight or in a month, or more. This time, though, it’ll be less of me. - Less of me, all around. In addition, I’ve been floundering with the new opportunities I’ve discovered, which involve lots of writing, lots of idea exploration, and even a vision board. Once again, I realized that I’ve been too me-centered. The blog training I want to give you needs to be done for YOU, not because I need something more interesting, my work has to fit better with my interests and strengths, I want to love what I do, blah blah blah. I have got to tell you that I am quite sick of ME. I don’t mean this in a self-deprecating way, I mean I’m tired of my pride. Take a hike, self. People need the real me…
- Less of me means more of the real me. This was a discovery I had last night. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost the soulful, groovy woman I once was (or aspired to be). I think pride in it’s many forms (from greed to shyness to envy) has gotten in the way at different times on my journey. The more humble I am, the more the distractions of my juvenile and proud intentions fade away and the more the person I was meant to be shines through.
- Why I’m so frustrated at home. Now this was a simple, formulaic deduction. I am home, and most days, Zoe is home. I am working most of this time, and she is tantruming or crying or being destructive most of the time I’m up here. And yea, she KNOWS I’m here. So I’ve got serious split focus: work comes hard, going downstairs for lunch is hard, and knowing when Mommy MUST step in is hard. It feels like all or nothing some days. In fact, this situation simply cannot go on. It’s not fair to either one of us. I have yet to see the solution, but I’m looking into a number of things. I’ve even gotten my husband on board that this is a problem, isn’t that great?
that inspired me to dive right in, I did…and failed spectacularly. So rather than counting my blessings, I’m thankful for this weekend of respite from work and for the multiple lessons I’ve learned. I also spent the holiday accepting Zoe as she is and just cuddling alone with her, if that’s what she needed during the holiday. It was good for both of us, and my frustration dwindled quite a bit. Live in the moment indeed!
I hope you had a lovely holiday, and if it was quiet, did you learn anything? Find anything to be grateful for that surprised you? Share your holiday adventures with Mom Blog!
Courtney says
I failed at NaNoWriMo, too. Ever onward, right?
admin says
Agreed!! Should I have said “failed”? Sounds too harsh. We are after all writers, prone to be mean to ourselves…
Courtney says
I failed at NaNoWriMo, too. Ever onward, right?
admin says
Agreed!! Should I have said “failed”? Sounds too harsh. We are after all writers, prone to be mean to ourselves…
Erin says
Oh my goodness! Be kind to yourself. Yes, we can all fall into the its-all-about-me trap, and of course that is not a good thing. On the other hand, remember you are an expression of God, and that if you sometimes fall into selfishness, that that is just a way of God showing you (as you have made clear) that there is another path. That is, sometimes we all have to fall, if even a little trip, to wake us up to a better direction.
I can completely relate to your struggle with managing writing time with child time. That’s my story, too, as it is for so many stay at home moms. Know that you are giving you child good lessons in life by your example when you are busy writing. In the “olden days” mothers had almost no time for their little ones – washing dishes and laundry by hand, line drying, crazy piles of ironing, farming, the list was endless. Your spending some time writing is your release so you can be a better mom when you’re not writing, yes?
So hard to find the perfect balance – and it changes from day to day! Hang in there and trust that God has your back and you are doing a wonderful thing – not just for yourself, but truly for your child and of course for the rest of us out here reading your blog.
Cheers!
Erin
admin says
Hi Erin, why, thank you! I appreciate your encouragement, it really hit home to me. Am I hard on myself? Maybe. I have battled pride forever it feels like, and it’s hard to do for others with my schedule…I mean, those not in my family. So that makes me.. judgmental of myself. This blog is one very small way I do for others, when I can…when I’m not in in “whining” mode, lol!!
Thank you…I will trust. I know I am doing the best I can, and even still sometimes taking on too much. I like that you brought up the olden days. I’ve recently wondered what families with children who did have special needs do?? I suppose that today, kids are probably more likely to have a better chance of living a good life than ever before.
Perfect balance? What’s that! lol..
Erin says
Oh my goodness! Be kind to yourself. Yes, we can all fall into the its-all-about-me trap, and of course that is not a good thing. On the other hand, remember you are an expression of God, and that if you sometimes fall into selfishness, that that is just a way of God showing you (as you have made clear) that there is another path. That is, sometimes we all have to fall, if even a little trip, to wake us up to a better direction.
I can completely relate to your struggle with managing writing time with child time. That’s my story, too, as it is for so many stay at home moms. Know that you are giving you child good lessons in life by your example when you are busy writing. In the “olden days” mothers had almost no time for their little ones – washing dishes and laundry by hand, line drying, crazy piles of ironing, farming, the list was endless. Your spending some time writing is your release so you can be a better mom when you’re not writing, yes?
So hard to find the perfect balance – and it changes from day to day! Hang in there and trust that God has your back and you are doing a wonderful thing – not just for yourself, but truly for your child and of course for the rest of us out here reading your blog.
Cheers!
Erin
admin says
Hi Erin, why, thank you! I appreciate your encouragement, it really hit home to me. Am I hard on myself? Maybe. I have battled pride forever it feels like, and it’s hard to do for others with my schedule…I mean, those not in my family. So that makes me.. judgmental of myself. This blog is one very small way I do for others, when I can…when I’m not in in “whining” mode, lol!!
Thank you…I will trust. I know I am doing the best I can, and even still sometimes taking on too much. I like that you brought up the olden days. I’ve recently wondered what families with children who did have special needs do?? I suppose that today, kids are probably more likely to have a better chance of living a good life than ever before.
Perfect balance? What’s that! lol..
admin says
Thank you, but it’s not me, it’s all God. Left to my own selfish devices, I’d focus on stuff!
admin says
Thank you, but it’s not me, it’s all God. Left to my own selfish devices, I’d focus on stuff!