Ok, I’m about to get all gooey and Godly on your butt. This morning I was at church, which of late, has been a challenge, since there’ve been a number of changes that Zoe did not approve of, and now she will almost never go in the children’s area. Also, keeping her in service is not an option because she’s too squirmy, or runny, or loud. So, we hold her on the couch while the band plays, then I take her during sermon, and Chris relieves me at communion time.
This morning, she was super-fidgety, and wouldn’t be held by Chris, only Mommy, but I think that’s because I was wearing a silky scarf. Long story short, as they began to “How He Loves“, she was cuddled up on my lap, sucking her thumb, head on my shoulder, and I was singing to her, rubbing her back, thinking of how I loved her, and BAM! It suddenly hit me. This is how and when God loves me:
- When I’m fidgety (are you really Who they say You are?)
- When I’m flighty (not now, God, I’ve things to put in order)
- When I’m howling (how could You do this to me?)
- When I’m sensitive (leave me alone)
- When I’m reclusive (no one can touch me here, not even You)
- When I’m stubborn (I don’t care the consequences, I’m doing this. Now.)
When I, a grown typical adult woman, acts with the insolence and impunity of a child who through no fault of her own cannot understand the world around her or act like propriety and civilized society demands. Even then, unconditionally, when I’m an embarrassment to those who love me best, when people scratch or shake their heads at my behavior, when I’m at my lowest, my most juvenile, my worst. HE loves me.
This, then, is why I became a Christian after about 15 or 20 years of battle. Not because of what anyone told me, but because God loves me better, truer, and more faithfully than I even love my won kids.
And suddenly, there in church, this morning, autism didn’t feel like such a bad thing after all.
Nina Tidwell says
Thank you again. You are REAL and real is what people need. Love your honesty, most are not able to be real…even me at times. The truth in your blog truly blessed me. Thank you again!
Nina =)
admin says
Nina, thank you. I’m flattered. I never want to be a phony.
ginger says
Beautiful. Its wonderful when you still yourself to hear him whispering to you. Now you know what all those moments of hysteria are for..so you can appreciate the little moments like those. Bless.
admin says
Agreed!! It was such an awesome moment.
ginger says
Beautiful. Its wonderful when you still yourself to hear him whispering to you. Now you know what all those moments of hysteria are for..so you can appreciate the little moments like those. Bless.
admin says
Agreed!! It was such an awesome moment.
Kelly says
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing it.
I have to share that last week at church, my mind was wandering and I was thinking about how I needed to volunteer at the local food bank. While I was thinking about it, the pastor said, “Call Mary at the food bank. She would love volunteers.” I about fell out of my chair! He was preaching on serving others, but God sure knows how to get my attention. I called the food bank first thing Monday morning!!
admin says
Hi Kelly, I just LOVE when stuff like that happens! Good for you.
Kelly says
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing it.
I have to share that last week at church, my mind was wandering and I was thinking about how I needed to volunteer at the local food bank. While I was thinking about it, the pastor said, “Call Mary at the food bank. She would love volunteers.” I about fell out of my chair! He was preaching on serving others, but God sure knows how to get my attention. I called the food bank first thing Monday morning!!
admin says
Hi Kelly, I just LOVE when stuff like that happens! Good for you.
Cheri says
Thanky you so much for this post! Church has become something of a burden for me lately…my baby has autism as well and she is well….not that into all the rules at church. There are days when I just want to throw my hands up and stay at home….but we, as a family, push through…sometimes it is a success…other times…screaming tantrums…and sometimes I want to join her kicking and screaming on the floor! Everyone says it will get better and on my good days I believe it…my bad days I keep asking God the why question…but yor post reminded me…HE LOVES ME…even when I question, even when I don’t fit the mold…HE loves me….and I so needed that reminder today. Thank you!
admin says
YOU are so welcome, Cheri. The “why” question is just something we have to live with. There is no real answer for that and that really sucks, IMO.
Reach out to your church on what to do. Can you get an aide there? Can you take turns watching her with whomever you go with? If there is no solution there, you may want to consider finding a church that fits for your family. I had to do this for Zoe. I really enjoyed the last church I was at, but the kids were integrated in the service. I never even tried to bring Zoe, but Amelia was forced to be with the tots. This was something the pastor, a really great guy, was passionate about, but it did not work for me. Now on Sundays, I let Chris listen to the sermon (I can listen during the week) while I watch Zoe in the hallway, and then he relieves me for communion. Not ideal, BUT it is giving Zoe a structured event every Sunday, and she LOVES the music time too.
Good luck Cheri.
Cheri says
Thanky you so much for this post! Church has become something of a burden for me lately…my baby has autism as well and she is well….not that into all the rules at church. There are days when I just want to throw my hands up and stay at home….but we, as a family, push through…sometimes it is a success…other times…screaming tantrums…and sometimes I want to join her kicking and screaming on the floor! Everyone says it will get better and on my good days I believe it…my bad days I keep asking God the why question…but yor post reminded me…HE LOVES ME…even when I question, even when I don’t fit the mold…HE loves me….and I so needed that reminder today. Thank you!
admin says
YOU are so welcome, Cheri. The “why” question is just something we have to live with. There is no real answer for that and that really sucks, IMO.
Reach out to your church on what to do. Can you get an aide there? Can you take turns watching her with whomever you go with? If there is no solution there, you may want to consider finding a church that fits for your family. I had to do this for Zoe. I really enjoyed the last church I was at, but the kids were integrated in the service. I never even tried to bring Zoe, but Amelia was forced to be with the tots. This was something the pastor, a really great guy, was passionate about, but it did not work for me. Now on Sundays, I let Chris listen to the sermon (I can listen during the week) while I watch Zoe in the hallway, and then he relieves me for communion. Not ideal, BUT it is giving Zoe a structured event every Sunday, and she LOVES the music time too.
Good luck Cheri.