Zoe, about 2 weeks ago.
Five years ago today, a beautiful little baby was put into my arms. Even the nurse said that she’d seen a lot of babies and this one was pretty. I felt fortunate that day. Shortly after arriving at the hospital for the induction, a resident examined me and thanks to sensitivity and dehydration, I passed out. Zoe’s heart rate went down to 60, and the on call doctor told me he’d readied the OR just in case. One hard-to-place IV drip later, Zoe and I were back on track, and about 12 hours later, she was born without incident.
I remember that so well. Chris had had a panic attack and had gone to the ER, and Zoe was finally looking pink enough to take out from under the light. I was dying of thirst, and the nurse gave me my baby and disappeared for what felt like an hour. Though my throat was in pain, I cherished my baby girl, and I think she got very used to mommy holding her when times were tough. It was a beautiful time, suspended in space in my mind, just me and my girl, no hospital, no nurses, no hovering relatives.
There are many things I’d like to say in this post that I just can’t. Zoe did not turn out to be the child I expected, but why did I expect something? It’s not like she wasn’t then who she is now. She doesn’t sleep, just like she barely slept in my womb. She is sensitive and hard to calm at times, just like all those nights as a baby.
Instead, I will say what I can, what I love and cherish about my little girl. She has the face of angel, picking up on the genetics of beauty from both sides of our DNA. She is smart..she spelled out the word “guitar” this summer by herself, without prompting, we just found it. She is sensitive, but that sensitive heart is full and big and loving. She is discerning, a far better judge of people than I am. She is warm and affectionate, stubborn and delightful, and throws herself into everything she does. She can solve puzzles without looking at the box, and don’t let her wordlessness fool you, she’s a master of manipulation. She does this non-stop jumping thing about 5 or 6 times a day when something really floats her boat, like preschool TV shoes, or classical music, or ice cream, or just me coming downstairs from work.
She embraces life with fire and passion, even sometimes when it scares the hell out of her.
She will be a great woman one day, I am sure of it.
I love you, Zoe, just exactly as you are. Happy birthday, little mama.
ps, yes I photoshopped clothes on the girl. she doesn’t do tops, which is why I never post photos of her. Photoshopping clothes is not my area of graphic design, lol…
