Dumb Mommy

I’m going to start off by saying I had a great weekend, part relaxing, part got stuff done, and zero headaches. This was also facilitated by the fact that some lovely people from our church offered to watch our kids, that their kids planned a night and were looking forward to it, and we were to off and have a good time.  We did, we missed date night…really, we should have one weekly, so a 3 week gap is excruciating.

Anyway, I was a nervous wreck as Zoe did the meltdown thing when we left, and upon u-turn, we saw here still at the door, and I was freaking out.  That said, we had our cell phone and when we got to our beloved Tap & Table, Chris thought he forgot it but then found.  I nervously asked if there were any “PLEASE COME BACK NOW!” messages, but, no, not a one.  We enjoyed our dinner in peace.

We got back on time,  and the kids were fine. NO, I mean really fine.  They did not run towards us as if we’d been at sea for several months.  (We did get some recognition.)  Zoe was not shirtless, Amelia had no accidents, and our goodie bag was barely touched.  This lovely family shrugged off, saying it was no big deal.  After we left,  Zoe got distracted and was food. She only broke down once, briefly, when Amelia put on a Darth Vader mask.  Other than that, all went well.

We were…shocked? relieved? flabbergasted?  I immediately had some clouds clear from my brain. I felt stupid.  Actually “stupid” is not the word in my head at the time, it’s an ugly cuss word that begins with “d”, ends in “g”, and means shockingly stupid.

The reality is I don’t get why I find this so hard. Why do I go crazy and lose my temper? Sure, I’m getting more patient, but sometimes I just explode, even now.

The real reality is that the girls are growing up and maturing, and by “girls” I include of course Zoe. Yes, it was a frighteningly difficult and trying summer.  I cannot imagine the children couped up for 16 weeks EVER again.  But somewhere between the return to school (including a day she flat out refused to go) and the calmness of a high quality, caring staff (including, best of all my babysitter), Zoe is finding that she does not need to strike out so much.  She is listening to me when I threaten a time out, can you believe it??  That’s after Chris amazingly put her in one last month…and then forgot about here. Oh, well, she’s 5, so I can’t feel guilty for all the time out’s she SHOULD have gotten, lol…

Maybe I’m not so dumb.  Maybe I should forgive myself, too.  After all, I live with her 24/7…and that includes my work day and the bed she insists on sharing with us every night.  Maybe she does have a few more tantrums than other kids, and maybe it’ll be a year or two before I can actually sit in a sermon when we go to church (which is awesome, as you recall).

Maybe I’ve been so blinded by my impatience that I haven’t seen the subtle changes taking place in my girl.

And maybe, just maybe, kindergarten won’t be bad at all.  I can tell you one thing: it’s sure nice to have *hope* again.  That is a thing of beauty in a special needs household.