Something recently happened (that I won’t go into) that made me want to write this post. We are in a position in society today where parents are getting the lion’s share of blame for their children.
Now wait, I think that parents are highly responsible for their kids’ behaviors. When my girls bite their nails, that’s my fault. And when Amelia really loses her temper, well, Chris and I share the blame for that. I’m *not* asking you to let us off the hook for what we are responsible for.
That said, you also have to know that we have a child with autism, who is big for her age and fast approaching age 6. She is a good girl, she has a sweet heart, and is absolutely amazing, with a real gift for melting my heart and making me laugh. Autism and sensory issues, however, make it difficult for her to speak, to socialize at an age appropriate level, and and to behave appropriate in certain situations. I do not believe that she has this “lack of remorse” I hear about, but for a 5yo, she has difficulty remembering what is right and wrong.
As much as we can, my husband and I fully include her and treat her like a typical child, however, this is not always possible. In 2 months, she will start full time kindergarten, and I’m pleased to say she is doing very well at the end of her first week of FULL TIME camp. (It’s 9-3, plus an hour commute each way, and she’s only had one major meltdown.)
However, as parents, we also understand her limitations, and we do our best to protect her. While we haven’t had a problem with wandering in the last year, we have safeguards in place (like an electronic chime on all our doors and windows) to ensure that she does not get lost. We watch her like a hawk and can rarely leave her unsupervised for too long. This makes certain things impossible. My husband and I have not spent a night without our children since they were born, 8.5 years now, although I have spent a few nights (less than 5) away on my own.
If you know someone with a disabled child, even if you don’t know what the disability is, assume that they cannot leave their child over night. Assume that they will not bring their child to any home or place that is not child-friendly because things will break. If you love these parents, be they friends or family, cut them some slack. Some things are off the table.
We can – and do – get babysitters, do our respite a few times a year, but ultimately we don’t expect anyone to be as responsible for Zoe as we are. We can not be more than an hour or less drive from her – at least one of us – and we won’t.
Now I’m not trying to make excuses. Recently, we missed something because of this, and I caused a problem because I did not explain to the party in question that the logistics made it impossible to attend. THAT was my fault, and I wholly take responsibility for screwing up. (And yes, it did damage.) So if you are a special needs parents in a similar situation, EXPLAIN it because parents of typical children don’t always get it. If they have no experience with autism or disability, they may not understand.
Parents, we need to be proactive. With the rise in autism (almost 10% of kids in the US) and the increase in kids with disabling or medical conditions (nearly 50% here), this is not an issue that we can turn away from or say “we’re not interested”. People everywhere will encounter people and children with special needs, and everyone needs to know how to handle communicating and engaging the special needs community with dignity, respect, and let’s face, a bit of slack… and vice versa.
Western society holds up an image of the ideal person that is unrealistic and unattainable, and which hurts members of communities that can’t possibly fit that mold. Mom-Blog is remaining committed to helping enlighten people everywhere of the prejudice that is hiding beneath the surface in all of us, the fear of the different, the imperfect. If we can pull together tolerance, respect, and civility for people with special needs, then there’s hope for all of us.
CJ says
As stupid as it is, I’m grateful Em “looks” her disability because then people GET it. But on the other hand, they don’t hold her up to reasonable expectations because, well, she has a disability. It’s a double edged sword. As parents, I think we all just need to cut one another some slack now and then!
admin says
Great point, CJ! Yea, we do need to cut each other slack…ALL of us. It’s a hard job, and those without kids…ditto. Give us a break, MOST of us are trying to raise a better future.
CJ says
As stupid as it is, I’m grateful Em “looks” her disability because then people GET it. But on the other hand, they don’t hold her up to reasonable expectations because, well, she has a disability. It’s a double edged sword. As parents, I think we all just need to cut one another some slack now and then!
admin says
Great point, CJ! Yea, we do need to cut each other slack…ALL of us. It’s a hard job, and those without kids…ditto. Give us a break, MOST of us are trying to raise a better future.
Frugal Baby says
Parents can only do what is only humanly possible.
admin says
Somebody needs to tell the rest of the world that, lol!
Frugal Baby says
Parents can only do what is only humanly possible.
admin says
Somebody needs to tell the rest of the world that, lol!
Tanya says
I really agree, and it is not just relevant for parents of kids who have a disability. My 3-year-old daughter is INCREDIBLY spirited. It is pretty impossible to take her anywhere without her causing mayhem. We get invited to friends houses (those with no or very young children) and we usually decline, offering to meet in places that are either friendlier for my daughter or at our house. No matter how many times they see our daughter behaving in a way they deem inappropriate, they still don’t seem to get that that is the reason we can’t go over to their house. We’ve said many times that it just isn’t a good idea because she’ll end up hanging off the light fixtures (this is no exaggeration) but they still seem to see it as an excuse. I hate how I end up nagging her more because our friends are so disapproving of everything she does. At home we keep things as safe as we can for her while enabling her to exert her copious amounts of energy, but this also causes problems when other peoples kids start to copy her. People just don’t like to see their little kids jumping off a 5 foot wall that we have baby proofed more times than you can imagine just for DD to find a way around it. I know friends think we are just bad parents, but we are not. We are doing the best we can with an amazing daughter who just does things a little differently.
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.
admin says
Tanya, you are a trooper! I know some people who have kids, even young kids, but things need to be “just so”. Which is perfectly fine, and perfectly their right, but understand that most little kids don’t get that (never mind spirited children!) So we’ve not been asked back to certain places, but I don’t begrudge, I’d be happy to let them here and have their kids let their hair down for once 🙂
I wanted a beautiful home, a long time ago, thinking it meant stuff, clean walls, etc. I HAVE beautiful home now because it’s filled with happy children 🙂
Tanya says
I really agree, and it is not just relevant for parents of kids who have a disability. My 3-year-old daughter is INCREDIBLY spirited. It is pretty impossible to take her anywhere without her causing mayhem. We get invited to friends houses (those with no or very young children) and we usually decline, offering to meet in places that are either friendlier for my daughter or at our house. No matter how many times they see our daughter behaving in a way they deem inappropriate, they still don’t seem to get that that is the reason we can’t go over to their house. We’ve said many times that it just isn’t a good idea because she’ll end up hanging off the light fixtures (this is no exaggeration) but they still seem to see it as an excuse. I hate how I end up nagging her more because our friends are so disapproving of everything she does. At home we keep things as safe as we can for her while enabling her to exert her copious amounts of energy, but this also causes problems when other peoples kids start to copy her. People just don’t like to see their little kids jumping off a 5 foot wall that we have baby proofed more times than you can imagine just for DD to find a way around it. I know friends think we are just bad parents, but we are not. We are doing the best we can with an amazing daughter who just does things a little differently.
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.
admin says
Tanya, you are a trooper! I know some people who have kids, even young kids, but things need to be “just so”. Which is perfectly fine, and perfectly their right, but understand that most little kids don’t get that (never mind spirited children!) So we’ve not been asked back to certain places, but I don’t begrudge, I’d be happy to let them here and have their kids let their hair down for once 🙂
I wanted a beautiful home, a long time ago, thinking it meant stuff, clean walls, etc. I HAVE beautiful home now because it’s filled with happy children 🙂
Kimberly says
Great post. As the mother of a child with sensory processing issues, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I know that when I make plans for him for activities or when we have outings, I am mentally working on creating a plan that I know will work best for him but often I’m not explaining that to others around me. I forget that while I live with him everyday and that my normal includes taking his needs into account all the time, that not everyone else will nor can they be expected to.
And bravo to your daughter for her success at summer camp!
admin says
Thanks, Kimberly. I do really believe the world will (and needs to) come around, but we all have to do our part.
My older daughter loves camp so much she got up and got dressed for it & put on schoolbag this morning. Too bad it’s Saturday, lol!
Kimberly says
Great post. As the mother of a child with sensory processing issues, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I know that when I make plans for him for activities or when we have outings, I am mentally working on creating a plan that I know will work best for him but often I’m not explaining that to others around me. I forget that while I live with him everyday and that my normal includes taking his needs into account all the time, that not everyone else will nor can they be expected to.
And bravo to your daughter for her success at summer camp!
admin says
Thanks, Kimberly. I do really believe the world will (and needs to) come around, but we all have to do our part.
My older daughter loves camp so much she got up and got dressed for it & put on schoolbag this morning. Too bad it’s Saturday, lol!
karen says
I don’t think it’s your fault when your girls bite their nails!! That’s being awfully hard on yourself.
admin says
Thanks, Karen, but it’s my bad habit, so they are modeling me. REALLY hard to quit, too, not like I can stop going to the store to buy fresh fingernails, lol!
karen says
I don’t think it’s your fault when your girls bite their nails!! That’s being awfully hard on yourself.
admin says
Thanks, Karen, but it’s my bad habit, so they are modeling me. REALLY hard to quit, too, not like I can stop going to the store to buy fresh fingernails, lol!
Johnwantutri says
As a nurse with experience dealing persons with disability, I know it’s hard. It is more challenging if you are a parent with a child like this. Being a parent is no joke.
admin says
It IS no joke! People treat it way too lightly, IMO. It’s ALSO a lot of fun, and very rewarding but you have to want it, or you do a disservice to your child.
Johnwantutri says
As a nurse with experience dealing persons with disability, I know it’s hard. It is more challenging if you are a parent with a child like this. Being a parent is no joke.
admin says
It IS no joke! People treat it way too lightly, IMO. It’s ALSO a lot of fun, and very rewarding but you have to want it, or you do a disservice to your child.
Nancy says
Congratulations on your kid’s summer camp. I agree with you on being a parent is rewarding once you want it. Taking care of child is fun but never easy. There are sacrifices and changes to be made such as self improvement for the sake of your child. Kids can sometimes not get kids who are spirited. But I think It’s good that you give an effort to make your home a happy place.
admin says
Thanks, Nancy. Sacrifices & challenges are part of the job – it’s important, IMO, to want your child so that you’ll be ready for them when they come. Just my opinion.
Nancy says
Congratulations on your kid’s summer camp. I agree with you on being a parent is rewarding once you want it. Taking care of child is fun but never easy. There are sacrifices and changes to be made such as self improvement for the sake of your child. Kids can sometimes not get kids who are spirited. But I think It’s good that you give an effort to make your home a happy place.
admin says
Thanks, Nancy. Sacrifices & challenges are part of the job – it’s important, IMO, to want your child so that you’ll be ready for them when they come. Just my opinion.
Kimberly says
Wow… that was a great post! It really is amazing how every single one of us on planet earth has our own cross to bear…. and the joys that come with carrying it. I commend you on your efforts to be the best mom you can be!
I pray that your situation will “mend itself” with time…
Blessings to you!
admin says
Kimberly, thank you so much! We all have burdens to bear, true, and it helps when you think of what others are suffering rather than reacting, like that video where that very self-centered guy puts on the glasses that show him what people are going through. Nobody’s perfect 🙂
admin says
Kimberly, thank you so much! We all have burdens to bear, true, and it helps when you think of what others are suffering rather than reacting, like that video where that very self-centered guy puts on the glasses that show him what people are going through. Nobody’s perfect 🙂