Observing nature while on our hike together.
Last Friday was my birthday but unfortunately, last week was a doozy. Nothing good about it from the get-go. Firstly, my stupid American Greetings account account reminded me that Thursday was my late Dad’s birthday. I took 5 minutes to correct that lost password issue and now I won’t have that awful encounter again.
Then, Thursday was a field trip for Zoe. Naturally, it was 100% outdoors, in the 40s, overcast and, while not outright pouring, there was an incessant spitting rain that just made everyone miserable. Zoe refused to go in the Port-o-Potty, which was about the most disgusting I’d EVER seen one so I couldn’t blame her but it frustrated her. She wouldn’t wear any of her coats. Traffic, trains, rushing water, drizzling rain and a wicked wind – plus no doubt hunger and the urge to go – were too distracting for her. Heck, I had a hard time listening and I’m good at this stuff. After walking forever in the cold through a scenic path, we headed back. Zoe: me, her aide, and her inclusion expert sat on the bus and ate lunch early. He revealed that he thought that, while the teachers in this school were the MOST eager to participate in inclusion he’d ever seen, this school was not rigid and routine enough for Zoe’s interests. Sigh. Parenting hit #1.
Naturally, that made me feel like a failure the rest of the day although the aide, who is new this year and just wonderful, fiercely defended Zoe but I still ended up with a fresh batch of “Parenting Second Guessing” guilt on my plate. Damn you, autism. And that night, I just broke down. I always think Zoe is doing better than she is, but the reality of her field trip struggles slammed me with full force by Thursday night.
Earlier in the week, she did great on Tuesday’s hike, but I was a little freaked out by, “Wow, since you’re here, Mom, this is the BEST she’s ever done! Look how good she is.” Um, wasn’t she “good” all year? You’ve been telling me she’s doing great – are you being optimistic? And crap, another set of tears because I don’t know have a clear gage of how well she’s holding up on her own.
The next day, the special ed teacher wanted to speak to me. Turns out the aide quit – for personal reasons. She didn’t reveal much but I think I understand the situation and she have to always do what’s best for her family first but still, not exactly news you want to hear on your birthday. Then Jerry Seinfeld shot his mouth off about “having” autism, so there was that irresponsible crap to steam over.
Lots of people asked “what are you doing for your birthday?” Well, I stayed home and worked and worked and worked some more, and still didn’t catch up. I celebrated on Saturday at Buffalo Wild Wings, a place I don’t like so much but at least I got some free food.
Saturday was respite care but we cut it short so I could bring the kids to the Holiday Market/Fair at school. They were having Elsa, Anna and a live reindeer for a photo shoot and I thought the kids would get a kick out of it. We went through the market too fast – Chris didn’t let me stop for cash first, so I couldn’t buy any of the wonderful things they were vending (seriously, everything from multi-flavored garlic to jewelry). Finally, we went out back, and Amelia, who refused her OWN coat, stole Zoe’s with plenty of bad tween attitude to spare as she donned it. Apparently her “magic” days are over to my dismay.
Patiently parading as Elsa on Halloween.
But then…
Zoe looked over and, like a magnet, slowly and cautiously walked over to Anna and Elsa. Another girl was having her photo taken, so I’m proud to say she waited patiently, but then I got the best present of my week. The look on Zoe’s face was something to behold. I’m sure other little girls would have this look meeting Justin Bieber. I’d never seen her eyes so wide! It was like she was meeting long lost movie star friends.
It was a look of pure joy and wonder…I’d never seen it on her before. Crazy.
She played with Elsa’s crown and Anna’s locks, and barely registered the reindeer face directly behind them. (She noticed him better right when the photographer started shooting, LOL!)
But that look will be with me a long time, even if I FORGOT to bring my camera.
And that, my friends, is worth everything. Not that she’s gushing over characters, no, but that she can connect to joy and wonder after all this time. That her heart grew big. That Mom did something right by getting her out of respite early and shelling out for another photo.
I began to think about all those people who don’t want their kids to have special needs. About all those moms who, after they perfect the prenatal test for autism, will terminate their babies. About all they will MISS OUT on in this life – the beauty, the joy, the wonder, the absolute divinity of this moment while her eyes were shining and mine wear tearing up.
So yea, it was a happy birthday after all. No regrets, no anger, no unfulfilled dreams. Just my baby girl lighting up from the inside, the best gift ever for this mom.
