7 Tips to Let Go of Regret – And Mommy Guilt

Today, I read the story of a mom who regretted letting her baby, who was born at 23 weeks, survive. I’m not sure what choices and extreme measures the doctors offered her at the time of his extremely premature birth, but I found the point of view of how she wrote the article disturbing. While I understand that she wants parents in such a stressful situation to be informed, I felt badly for her pain. While she writes that she loves him and sees his worth, and, of course, from the vantage of watching her child suffer so much, there is something in her level of regret that hurts me – and makes me wonder if her son can feel it. I know, I have no right to say that. On this front, we’ve been extremely blessed and have dodged more bullets with our children than I can possibly count, but I feel the message is wrong in that it encourages regret.

AND YOU NEED TO LET GO OF REGRET.

You know you have it over something. I have never met a mom of a child with special needs who didn’t second -guess SOME decision or other they made. Fact is, as a parent you have to make difficult decisions with the information you had in hand at the time. If you know differently later, then that little chorus of self-doubt mumbles in your ear that you’ve FAILED, somehow, just because you made the best choice at the time with what you knew.

YOU KNOW BETTER NOW.

Life is not an all-or-nothing zero-sum match. It’s a series of steps and the best we can do as moms, for ourselves and our kids, is to acknowledge what we didn’t know and move on to improve it. Even better, move to improve with steps you know you can handle. Baby steps are the way to go, with a little jumping off the deep every now and again. Save those for when the fear strikes you over what you KNOW you want to do. And for everything else?

LIKE THAT DUMB SONG SAYS, LET IT GO!

All of it: The anger at the companies that produce the garbage the we have to struggle to sidestep every day to ensure our kids’ health. The disappointment in that person who promised to support you and then did a half-assed job of it – or nothing at all. The self-loathing over the way you forgot to do this, that or the other thing for your family last week or last night. The guilt over your child’s disability, illness, condition or sensitivity.

YOU ARE A GOOD MOM

You are NOT Mommie Dearest, and you are not Mother Teresa* either. You are simply a loving mom living in a day and age when “convenient” and “easy” has turned to “toxic” and “damaging” and trying to do your best. Your kids will appreciate it and they will benefit when you serve them, but you also need to love yourself too. Today, do this:

1. ACKNOWLEDGE that motherhood today has become something much harder than it was intended to be. RIGHT NOW, SAY IT. That’s the first step to letting go guilt & regret.
2. BREATHE deep 3x, 8 seconds in, 8 seconds holding, 8 seconds out. Works like magic.
3. CLEAR your mind for 15-20 minutes. I mean, no stress, no worrying, no mind wondering, “How am I going to…” Do whatever helps with that: shower, bath, cup of green tea, a walk in the sun, a solid workout. (Schedule it tomorrow if it’s too late.) FIFTEEN MINUTES at least.
4. Take another 10 minutes to ENJOY yourself at some point in the day: Read a little. Play Candy Crush. Get lost down a Pinterest hole. Read cat humor on Facebook.
5. Go HUG your kids. No matter what they’re doing. Just let them keep doing it, and give ’em a great big hug – or a small one if they are at that “hugs are icky” stage. No words necessary, no interruption required.
6. You can take a SMALL BREAK any day – the heck with Mother’s Day. If you don’t have 30 minutes to give up daily, grab 5 or 10, but do it for yourself every day – and longer stretches when you can. You need your sanity, your health and clarity and filling up more “but I have to’s” isn’t going to get you there. DON’T shirk your responsibilities but DO give your mind and body a much-needed break, even just for a short time. If you don’t, you will find yourself getting upset and LOSING IT over the people you love the most. (Been there. Done that. Wrote a whole series of books on it.)
7. Feed your FAITH. I’d be negligent if I didn’t mention this, but as I’ve said, all my sanity comes from my faith. Read scripture – Psalm 23 is an oldie but goodie. Pray, pray a LOT. Pray without ceasing if you can, because you need Him every moment of every day, just to keep your head about you. Load up some Christian contemporary tunes on Pandora or YouTube. My fav right now is “Oceans” by Hillsong United, the studio version. Or watch it here:

This Mother’s Day, take care of the ONLY person you can change: yourself, if only for a few moments. Your kids will thank you that you did.

*Has anyone read “I’m No Mother Teresa”? Kim Stagliano’s humorous account of raising 3 girls with autism, God bless her. Awesome read that you can buy from my Amazon referral links:
Book:

Kindle version: