“I can fix this mess!” Do you say that a lot? Do you get nervous when you make a mistake or willfully do something that perhaps you never considered was wrong before? Do you just have to mend broken friendships right away?
Well, I do. I can’t stand having someone angry at me. I’m learning to deal with this whole concept of “haters” because hardly anyone with a thoughtful opinion on anything seems immune nowadays, but when I cause trouble with someone I care about, my whole life goes out the window. I can actually get physically ill from it and want to fix it right away. Unfortunately, these situations often call for time and patience.
So what’s a fixer to do? Well, there are answers…
The most important thing you can do to heal broken friendships is to give them up to God. Sounds easy, right? Well, no, not so much to a fixer. It means that I am absolutely not in control and that I have to wait until God fixes this thing. But while you’re waiting, there are steps you can take when you’re in this kind of a bind.
1. Stop talking.
You need to stop talking or doing or saying anything for at least a brief period with this person. Odds are high that you are going to “fix” yourself into a situation can no longer remedy, or you will do more damage than good. Just back away for a little while – they might even feel relieved you are not “in their face” while they hopefully work on forgiving you (if you are in error). Instead, fill your mouth with different words…
2. Pray.
You need to pray for your eyes to be open to your part in the problem. Ask God to set your heart right. I didn’t find it beneficial to pray for the pain to go away since it really felt too me-centered – and “me” was already the problem. You probably already know in your heart what you did wrong, you just didn’t see it that clearly.
The light of day is a good thing! 1 John 1;6 says, “If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.” We need to expose that thing to the light of our own eyes first. Naturally, pray for the person you are in conflict with as well. This can soften their heart. Meanwhile, remember to own up to what you are responsible for and avoid false guilt over things that are not your fault.
3. Sort out the guilt.
You’re going to feel guilty, and maybe you should. The problem is not the real guilt, which is the kind that convicts you of your wrong and helps you understand a flaw. God can help you work through that through the Holy Spirit’s guidance. The problem is false guilt and this most often comes from the enemy (Satan).
Feeling guilty for something you did not do is another way that fixers like us try to control the situation. It’s a way of saying, “I can fix this too!” No, you can’t fix something you didn’t do wrong. (I frequently have this problem.) Read “What is False Guilt and How Can I Avoid It? for instruction on this problem. Once you’ve sorted this out, then you can work on the one and only thing a fixer can solve.
4. Fix your own issues by reading God’s word.
Firstly, you can’t fix every single sin all at once. One thing at a time! If a friend called you out for a bunch of shortcomings and your self-examination proved them all true, you will probably lose it your mind trying to you them all at once. (Fixers always want everything to be perfect now.)
Instead, ask God’s guidance in helping you to prioritize the issues in a way that you can handle. As fixers, we tend to want to tackle the biggest thing first. That may be the direction God is sending you – or He may know you don’t have the strength to tackle that Goliath right now.
This is why it’s really critical to pray and read Scripture together. You can continue studying whatever you had already been working on, like the sermon you heard on Sunday. It’s often been my experience that something is going to leap out at you and keep coming up – you’ll read a passage, for example, that “just happens” to come up at your next Bible study or in your feed or on today’s message in that Bible app. Or, grab a concordance and look up the problems you think you have.
With enough time, prayer, and openness to God’s will, scripture will convict you and you’ll know what you have to tackle first. Remember, too, that God always gives us a way out (see 1 Corinthians 10:13). After fixing what you can, you can now move forward to forgive.
5. Forgive.
I’ve always said forgiveness comes easy to me, but that’s not exactly true. The real truth is that I’ve been blessed to have had only a few broken friendships with people I really love – and all those times, forgiveness was painful. I’d even say that it took a while – and I’m quite ashamed to admit that.
Not only that, but you might find that you are very angry with yourself. So while you work on your faults, remember to forgive yourself as well as those who hurt you. Often, I’m the last one I forgive but that can be a short cut back to false guilt.
Concerning others, you have to forgive, true, but you also have to have the heart for it. Continue to pray for that person when forgiveness is taking time. Sometimes you just feel sucker-punched and have to work through it. This happened to me some years ago with one of the people I love best in the world and it turned out the whole situation was a miscommunication, which is why the next step is important.
6. Make it right.
When you are finally calm and feeling God-centered, when you have prayed it through, and when the person you’re in conflict with is ready, you need to meet – face to face, if possible – and make it right. Start by apologizing – without excuses. Somehow, I never learned this growing up. I only got convicted of how much my apologies sucked a few years back. I always believed excuses go hand-in-hand with apologies so they know your reasons. (Don’t ask me where I got that from, I have no idea!)
It’s important to apologize without excuses for what you did wrong only, even if what you did wrong was get pissed off for what they did to you. (Only righteous anger is Godly, and I’m willing to bet that if you thought the term “pissed off” accurately described your feelings, your anger was not righteous.)
At this point, the discussion should, hopefully, flow. Let the other person speak but then apologize if there is more you did wrong that you didn’t know. And by the way, “I’m sorry you felt that way” is not an apology – it’s a deflection. “I’m sorry that I hurt you” is the right way to apologize.
7. Not Everyone Has to Like You…
Finally, it’s important to remember that you may never get to #6. Some people are just “done with you” or maybe they are just not in a forgiving space. Some broken friendships can’t be “fixed” because it takes two people to make it right again.
Your inner fixer will hate this, but this too you must give it to God by going back and praying on it and reading scripture again. Your pride will take a huge hit – and that’s ok! As Christians, we need less ego plus we need to know that not everyone is going to love us. Friends can turn into haters and back-turners.
8. …And Vice Versa
You don’t have to like everyone either. Love them? Yes. It’s NOT the same thing and I’ll share how. For me, this has been a hard lesson that has been hitting home now in 2020. COVID has made people judgmental. On top of that, our leaders have made bullying not just acceptable but in some cases, downright warranted. But the issue I experienced this year had nothing to do with COVID.
There was a person that I suspected did not like me. In my heart, I didn’t care for her either but because I thought I could and should like her. I took this as a moral failing within my own heart. A lot of people liked her so that “confirmed” that I had to be wrong. So I did what I could. I prayed about it. I prayed for her. I was nice. I complimented her, said hello, laughed at her jokes, did all the things.
After a while, I just started avoiding when I could because she was a hotbed of negativity. Finally, all of this blew up just before COVID lockdowns. And the fallout was HORRIBLE. In fact, I discovered, the problem was NOT me.
The thing is, there are some people you should avoid in life. In Matthew 10:16, Jesus tells his disciples, “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Wolves come in all shapes and sizes. Now I’m not exactly saying this person is a wolf, but I do think that people need to take care of their interactions with certain people who may even seem really nice.
Be savvy when dealing with others. And if you’re trying to figure out whether or not to end that relationship, it’s fine to get advice from people but the Holy Spirit should be your guide. Some people do damage and you do not need to have those people in your life unless God SPECIFICALLY tells you to.
In that case, He will protect and protect the outcome, such as changing the person’s heart or making them depart from you. And that is rare, and is normally only for cases where your involvement is critical for some reason or can be a chance for the other person’s redemption.
However, even if you’re ending a relationship, that does not absolve you from the command to love that person. You can still pray for that person regularly, even if he or she is not in your life.
And you should! You have experienced firsthand his or her brokenness, just as you were once broken too. Jesus can save anyone, this complicated person is no different. So you can still “do the things” without them in your life!
If you want a great book for dealing with relationships, check out “The Uninvited.” Lysa TerKeurst goes into great detail on how to handle this. In Chapter 6, “Friendship Breakups,” there is an excellent piece on how to deal with friendships. I love that she writes, “People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along. Lord, let me end this the right way.”
Jesus knew this all too well when he told Judas to do what he had to do at the Last Supper. When we read this story, I think we forget that Jesus WAS human as much as He was God. It couldn’t have been easy, even for God Himself, to say, “Go” to man entrusted with the group’s money and his a close friend for 3 years, when He knew Judas was leaving to betray Him.
But Jesus knew that He could not change Judas’ action or mind. Some former friends may permanently make up their minds against you too. Just remember that God is never against his children, for we are “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved (Col 3:12).” Give Him the tools to fill that empty space by worshiping Him with all your might and He will be faithful to fill it with joy.
Reading Material to Help You Manage Your Friendships
For more on working out self-esteem issues and other barriers to friendships in a Godly way, check out these resources from my Amazon Affiliate links:
Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely
I’m absolutely loving this book!! It’s spot on about so many things I’m feeling. While this was published before Lysa TerKeurst’s divorce, I can’t imagine reading some of the pages of how she managed to try to maintain her marriage (her husband is mentioned in passing at times, and now we know some of her suspicions that she voices were true).
It also has a study guide:
Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely, Study Guide
Check out Uninvited on Kindle
, if you’re a Kindle owner.
I haven’t read these yet, but they look very good:
Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living
Present Over Perfect on Kindle
The Friends We Keep: A Woman’s Quest for the Soul of Friendship
Related Articles
- How To Forgive Your Enemies and People Who Hurt You
- How To Hear From God When You’re Not So Certain
- How To Save Your Marriage & Survive the Long Haul
- How To Reclaim Your Confidence
- Praying Out Your Pain
- 5 Easy Ways to Show Your Gratitude
Janet Reeves says
“You can’t fix something you didn’t do wrong.” Sage advice. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on mending rifts between friends. When relationships hurt, we all long for healing. We need reminders like this that God’s work in both lives is what most effectively brings it about.
Gina says
Well, said, Janet! It’s only with God’s direction it can be set right, but we must act when He says too. One time, he prompted me to heal a relationship, at least twice, and I backed away in fear. That person unexpectedly died a few weeks later – a painful reminder that God’s timing is always best.
Coupon Gal (Andi) says
sometimes the best thing we can do is just to do what we can do – and leave the rest to God
Gina says
True! So very very challenging though.
Amy @ Accidental Happy Baker says
I’d like to add one more to the list: Give it time. There have been times that I have gone through rocky spots with friends, where we’ve hit a big enough bump it entirely derailed our whole friendship. In spite of handling the disagreement like adult Christian women, things were still off between us for a very long time. Years. Sometimes even when you handle disagreements the way you should, it still takes a very long time to heal.
Gina says
Yes I was trying to convey that but I’ll admit, I hope it’s not years! I went through years of it written my other loved one. Was so happy when it was over. And glad we fixed it too.
Gina says
I have been there too! Some friends are too toxic or self-centered. Hoping I’m not one of those ever…
KC says
Yes, you have to shut up first! I forget that step sometimes and make things far worse than they already were to start with.
Gina says
Yes! That shutting up thing is a fine balance though. I kept quiet in a different situation and that was a problem. Tricky, but we have to keep listening for God’s direction.
Chelsea Dent says
Loved this post so much girl! It’s like this was written directly for me! Thank you for posting this! Great, great, GREAT advice!
Gina says
Thank you so much. I how it helps!
Samantha Ford-Godette says
You are blessed. This article was sent to me at the right time. Thank you for your words. I read it, loved it and will be re-reading with friends.
Gina says
Wow, thank you! His usually gives things when we don’t even know we need them! Hop it helps.
Tasia Boland says
Ahh yes forgiveness and what a great topic with our friendships. It seems as we get older and have children friendships change and how important it is to forgive. I love how you said sort out the guilt. Such an important one because guilt can be devastating to the healing process.
Gina says
True, Tasia! I guess guilt is actually selfish in this place. Good point – friendships do change but the more it’s based on things in common with God, the more easily it can heal.
Joy says
As a fixer, I really appreciate this post! I can think of at least one relationship that very much needs prayer right now. I’ll keep these steps in mind. Thank you for writing this!
Gina says
Joy, glad to be of help! I truly hope you can resolve those issues.
Susan says
Such a timely reminder. Matthew states that one of the signs of the end times is increased offenses between Christians. Perhaps it’s because we often feel so bad at the offense we’ve caused we just run and pretend it never happened. Your comments are well organized, scriptural, hopeful, and most of all … helpful. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Gina says
Thank you so much, Susan! Well end times aside, we ARE living in a very worldly world nowadays. I learned that it’s REALLY easy to fall into that trap if we are not super careful and surrounding ourselves with Christians at every turn!
Traci@tracesoffaith says
A very practical list. I agree so much with what you’ve learned. The best things to do is to get to work on yourself. What can you learn? What might Christ change in you?
Gina says
I love your questions, Traci! Absolutely the right things to ask. I learned a LOT…honestly, more than I thought I could handle, but I’m blessed that my friend extended to me almost so much grace that I truly saw the face of God.
Jamie says
Really great tips!! These things will happen in everyone’s life, it just depends on how you handle it. 🙂
Gina says
Very true Jamie! I am learning that myself. It’s a blessing when it’s fixed even if the confrontation is difficult and painful.
Bonnie Lyn Smith says
This turned out so great! I am tweeting it tomorrow and pinned it today! I care so deeply (and write somewhat regularly) about relational reconciliation. AWESOME job! I love that you brought out that it has to be made right and somewhat talked about at the end in order not to sweep it under the rug…so many people don’t get to this place and it stays there stinking between them like rotting relationship. I also love that you mention some won’t get through the list with us. So true! LOVE it! Blessings from “Espressos of Faith”!
Gina says
Thanks, Bonnie! It’s only happened a few times and it’s grown me but it’s painful. I was in an issue with a friend recently but we are ok now. Maybe there are things to figure out, but feeling good about it!
Gina says
Thank you for sharing, Laura. I’m so sorry. I know your pain is real and deep. As far as forgiveness, that in no way means a person has to be or come into our lives. I’ve had friendships that were toxic for me, and while forgiveness was there, healing only came when I let those people go completely. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives – and God will remove those who are not supposed to be. We still have to forgive them, but sometimes the only way to forget is to put them out of our lives. That, I believe, is God’s call, not ours. I wish you peace over this issue.
Elisha says
I’m currently go through this with a beautiful friend that I hurt by posting an indirect message on Facebook (aimed at her). I was once that ‘toxic’ or should I say needy person seeking attention and jumping to assumptions when feeling ignored. I’ve since turned my life around and live for god. I tried to reconcile with this friend. I apologize, recognized my part in the demise of the friendship and asked for forgiveness. She said, ‘she’s not mad and that she will always love me ‘. I since tried to reach out to her to share what god’s doing in my life and in hopes to help heal the friendship in a godly way but she’s since ignored a few of my messages. I don’t want to keep looking like a fool by continuing to reach out to her if she’s not interested. So I just stepped back . All I can do is pray for us in that god work on us individually , and who knows, maybe reconciliation may take place if it’s gods will. The good news is that she hasn’t blocked me on social media or my phone number . So there’s a cracked door to maybe a possibility of reconciliation in the future . Anyway, this is great advice and very god-centered . This gives hope.
Gina says
Elisha, thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m sorry for the loss of a relationship you once shared. I know how it feels, and it’s a hard lesson. We must remember God is shaping us to be more Christlike. Perhaps we’ve been through this because God has a special friendship waiting for us later, either with this friend or a new one or something else we haven’t even though of. Only God knows His plan but I promise you, it is for our good as well as His glory. We all make mistakes, but you are blessing your friend by giving her the space she needs too. I know that’s really hard, but I know God will bless you for it. Wishing you peace, gina
Janice says
I have friends who had done bad and insulted me, called me names , Broadcasted her feelings through social-media , I was really hurt and I just can not forgive myself because because I let the pain grows inside my heart , I stayed quiet for years now and I got sick , depressed and almost killed myself because I love my friend so dearly and didn’t expect anything like that from her … But I know we are only humans and we have right to make mistakes , I don’t know when will I find myself back again , I was once loved all the people , all kind of people, I love their imperfections … but I am still in pain and I just gave up and everyday I ask GOd to help me forget and forgive my friend. How would I fix something I didn’t do ? Maybe it’s a trial ? but I am so in pain and I hope one day I could forgive her … I lost trust and I don’t want friends/people in my life , I would always think that people would only hurt me and I don’t want this to happen again , I gave everything my whole life my trust but this is what I got Pain and wounds and It is a painful wounds and it is really painful than anything that bleeds … I just want to be alone and Just taking care of my own family. I am not angry but I am hurt. I just can not promise things would go back the way used to be … I am still searching for an answer to my questions … I think no one could ever help me but myself.
Gina says
Janice, I’m so sorry for your pain and your loss. People are challenging. Even the ones we love the best can’t live up to our expectations. For me, I only trust 100% in Jesus. He’s never failed me. Everyone else has. But my personal belief is that anyone who insults you, harms you, calls you bad names and then shares that on social media is no kind of friend and probably never was.
I will pray for you! Your identity is NOT what other people think or say of you. For me, my identity comes from the God who loved me so much as a daughter that He sacrificed His only Son for me. When I think on that, all the doubt, fear, self-loathing disappear. But it’s not easy and I have to do it daily. I wish you all the peace and love in the world, Janice!
Ericka Unsay says
Thank you for sharing this. This is timely as I’m going through this right now. I never wanted for my best friend and I to fall apart. I felt devastated but I trust that God is doing at work in our lives. Maybe…if it is Gods’ will, that we will be better together as matured individuals and Christians. I’ve been praying for peace and love reign in our hearts. Please pray for me and my friend vhicky.
God bless you!
Gina says
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this, Ericka. It is true that friendships can repair over time but if not, we’ll all share perfect friendships in heaven. I will pray for you and your friend! Thank you, I’m happy to help. peace of Christ be with you, Ericka.
Debbie A Davis says
I’m not sure if it was the virus or if I have just out grew who I thought was my very best friend. It seems that lately the only time I hear from her is when she needs something. Sometimes I need to vent, I need her. She doesn’t have time for anything I need, ever. That’s get’s old after many years of coming last. After over 50 years of friendship, I am no longer willing to be treated like I don’t matter. Because I do.
Gina says
Oh Debbie, I’m so sorry. That’s truly hurtful! You do matter. Have you confronted her? Is it possible she’s going through something traumatic for a long time that’s been hidden (abusive family member, illness she won’t reveal, etc?) There’s no excuse really, but I would say something if you think you can.