Today I went to see Amelia’s class in concert at school and something really wonderful happened.
Lately, as many of you know, I’ve been questioning everything about my parenting, partly due to an insane amount of stress and anxiety, and partly due to some toxic people. I know it’s dumb, but I’ve questioned everything I’m doing or have done, and looking at my girls as if everywhere they are not up to par is all my fault.
About 2 weeks ago, Amelia’s school had an open house and it was hurtful to me to see the gap between her and the other children. I left that event feeling even more like a failure.
Today’s event was different. About 6 or 7 classes got up to sing before Amelia’s class. For a good portion of that time, I worried. Would she sing too loud? Would she run away? Would she even make it onstage? Did I pick a bad outfit for her? Would she do something embarrassing?
WHOA… Wait a minute. Was I worried about her or me? In all these years, Amelia has never embarrassed me (or herself), not once. I looked around at the moms, dads, grandparents and other family around me and I suddenly saw I was no different. I was a mom, just a mom, like all the other moms there, come to see my kid perform, a thing she’s always loved to do.
I stood back, camera in hand, enjoying the other children perform. At last her class came out. She was the last one onstage and stood at my side of the auditorium. Her aide helped her and after a few hiccups, she performed with gusto, either singing or mouthing the words. (No idea which, there were 50 kids singing!) She got off stage and did not do the 2nd song – and I didn’t even care. I gave her a hug before I left and told her I was proud of her. The aide beamed. “She did great!” And they put that on her daily report too.
I walked back to my car filled with a kind of joy. A strange thought crossed my head: How would I feel if I died right now?
I smiled. I’d feel fine because I know that no matter what, everything I’ve done – even when I’ve done something for me – has been for the good of my family.
And as I drove home, I let all the worry leave me. I suddenly realized, after struggling with the idea, that full inclusion is what I want for her so if accepted, Amelia will go to the charter school. (There’s only a limited number of openings.) She’ll be fine, just like Zoe will be, because they have parents who love them and care about their future, as well as friends and family too.
And here’s the concert for your enjoyment:
Confession: This is the first time I edited video since college. It’s so darn easy. I’m getting some video software!