Ok, yes that’s a Star Wars reference, but I this is how I’ve been feeling lately – full of hope.
It doesn’t exactly make sense. Summer looms ahead without any child care, and I have 3 writing gigs right now plus my blog and an exciting new opportunity, so I don’t exactly know when I’m going to fit that in or work on my novel. Exercise seems like a distant memory.
I’m about to get REALLY busy.
I *should* be freaking out, and in truth, the old me would have been. 365 days ago, I was NOT a happy camper, but a lot can change in a year. First of all, we had such a BAD start to this year – I was still crying in early November over the kids – that I’m a little optimistic that summer will be a lovely downtime and not nearly so painful. There WILL be schoolwork to do and summer camp will weigh in with problems, but I’m not going to worry about those.
The truth is, with Amelia graduating in a few weeks, it’s become crystal clear to me that this time with the girls is fleeting. They will be adults before I know it, and with that will come a different set of challenges and expectations. It’s a road I can’t really even envision right now, but I hope it’s a beautiful one, for them and for me.
The future: Still so uncertain.
What I am going to do is:
- Find ways to work around the kids. Thank God they have 20 mornings of camp next month! But mommy work time will probably “come in doors before you burn and watch a movie” time and Skylanders time, and I’m NOT going to feel out about that
- Utilize the CRAP out of my backyard. I’m very much an indoorsy girl (bugs and sun and pollen, oh my). But this year? It’ll be sports equipment and a blow up pool and I’ll pretty up my deck so I can sit back and relax. And invest in tons of nontoxic sunscreen…
- Enjoy myself. In summer, I’m always eagerly awaiting getting the kids back into school. But this year will be different. I’m going to relax and mix up some iced herbal tea and kick back too. With a ton of writing on the side, lol!
Where is this all coming from? I can only say it’s from my faith. There’s this crazy thing people say, “Give it to God.” And all of us nod sagely at this advice but in our hearts we’re thinking, “WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??”
It simply means this, Let Him worry about it, not you. He’s got your kids in His hands. So I’ve let go the worry. Really. ALL of it. It’s taken time and trust and support, but it’s the most freeing thing I’ve ever done.
Freedom. For REALS.
Not that it’s all clear sailing. One night last week, I lived a microcosm of an Autism Mama’s life in about 5 minutes. Zoe was having trouble settling down. Lately, she’s had some regression of symptoms: super stimming, chin butting, arm biting, inability to sleep, maniacal laughter. It hurt to see it and it made me think of all the times I wished she were “typical.” So I cried, I got angry, I laughed, I accepted – it was a like experiencing a microcosm of her whole life in that brief span.
But this morning, I wondered if I DID want my girls to be “typical/whatever is the dargone PC term for kids without disabilities.” And know what? I don’t. I want them to NOT have things so hard, but I am totally ok with who they are. I’m ok with where they are. I will NOT stop trying to heal and make better the things that CAN heal and be made better. (I will not rest until Zoe stops having diarrhea once a week – would YOU??)
As for me, I feel good. Life has been a challenge these last 12 months, but not without lots of divine provision, blessings and the realization that the best things in life do not cost a penny. And that’s good enough for me.