OK, so I’ve got this great new blog and nothing to show for it, in terms of entries! I’m sorry. It’s been difficult, I don’t even really care for the design but haven’t been able to put one together for myself yet.
It’s been really tough lately. Amelia who is now 4.5, is acting up a lot. I get very discouraged because I feel like I’m to blame for things like say her propensity to scream “Jesus Christ” when things are working (yea I’m a great Christian), or to lose her temper over nothing, or to get incredibly frustrated. I actually caught myself wondering how I destroyed my peaceful little child …
But then I remembered that she hasn’t been peaceful for probably 2.5 years now, and then I realized that at least SOME of this is her growing up and testing ME. Yes, her displays are her mimicking my own bad behavior, but the more I slack the more she pushes. Discipline is SO hard for me but I know it’s absolutely required to make her into a good person. It’s all (or mostly) on me, and it’s hard, hard work. Today I started laying down the first time outs for screaming and doing all I can to calm down as well. I’ve started again with the “Praying Parent” book by Stormie Omartian, I hope it helps me. I’m trying to quell this river of rage that wells up inside me as I repeat and repeat AND REPEAT things to Amelia that she needs to do (but doesn’t “feel” like it) and get her to do them without, well, freaking out. Now my mother’s horrible attitude makes sense, I can hear myself saying (and sometimes only THINKING) the same awful things she said to me, at least I know why. I sometimes have a strong urge to blame the Down syndrome, but she’ll often do things I request that she WANTS to do, so I don’t think it’s that.
Meanwhile, honorable daughter #2 has mastered the fine art of the tantrum. I DO realize this is part and parcel of being Kid#2, although I’m sure I dote on her more than I ever doted on Amelia. (Amelia was SO independent so early and while she was SUPER lovey dovey, she also went and did what she wanted rather than hug mommy). As soon as Zoe doesn’t get her way (what? no 2nd cookie? what? I can’t grab that knife? oh no you DIDN’T just put me down, did you, Mommy??), it’s major melt down, slam the head on the floor. She did this on the deck yesterday and realized that wood deck paneling is far more painful than a carpeted living room floor.
So I’ve been very tired lately. Don’t even ask about what ELSE is going on, little catastrophes everywhere, but grace is all around me too, so I’m ok. I’m not the best mommy ever but I’m far from the worst and getting better all the time.