But I just can’t seem to buy any real estate and build a home there.
This began yesterday, when I met Zoe’s occupational therapist (OT) at daycare yesterday evening. From the evaluation, I got: “she’ll be fine, just the sensitivity issue, which can be worked through.” What I got from the OT, who mind you, was personable, cheerful, and Zoe liked her immediately (which says a lot), was The Look when I told her, “She’s basically fine right?”
You know The Look, right. I didn’t have the courage to read the evaluation til lunchtime today. Needless to say, I spent the entire lunch period crying on my kitchen floor. I was so out of it I took a shower to help shake it off (not much help).
Despite my brave post last week, I’m sorry to say I’ve let you all down. I completely, totally and utterly feel this is my fault. I am a bad mother. I have made my lovely, easy-going child into a screaming mess, and I have made my “typical” child stupid. Well, f me, I suck.
When hubby got home, we had a huge fight, yea, in front of the kids where he was maddeningly calm. (This always bothers me because I used to be in a very unhealthy relationship with a passive aggressive and while hubby is definitely NOT, it’s shade of what I used to go through.) I blamed him, and remembered things wrong, and he blames me, and I ended up not sleeping because I was too busy compiling a list of what I’ve done wrong in the last 5 years as a mother and what sins of hubris I’m paying for by watching my children fall behind, behind, behind.
And, yea, this is all selfish stuff, and doesn’t even BEGIN to address the broken heart I have over this right now. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
Hence, all the crying. I used to cry at LEAST twice a week, but in more recent years my faith, my spirituality, and my maturity has gotten me past it. I rarely cry hard at ALL. (And believe me, that’s big because it takes NOTHING to make me cry.) Sometimes that crying is over someone else, like my mom or CJ, and often it dovetails with period/sinus or other physical pain symptoms or deep fatigue.
But this is just mommy pain and lack of self-esteem, which SUCKS because I thought I had grown up past the hard crying and the why-me’s. Argggg…
And worse, is that right now, there’s no one to confide in. No church, no political or spiritual pals, no one nearby, no one far that I really trust, hubby has too much to deal with, sister is…untrustworthy (yea, I’m spending Thanksgiving without my nearest family, NICE). Neighbor is too new, old church is too far, pastor’s wife is too busy, blah, blah, blah. I don’t have time for a gym, and the nearest writing group is like 45 minutes away, I can’t afford school yet, and I’m just FRUSTRATED.
Well, gee whiz, I feel like I just went through every emotion in Amelia’s book about FEELINGS.
I’m not writing this for pity. I’m feeling terribly alone – is anybody out there feeling crappy like this? Because right here and now you have a friend in ME. I wish I was surrounded by supportive people, but it’s really difficult when you don’t have a single person to tell you it’s ok, it’s not your fault. (And if you’re wondering, yes, I do have blamers around, just no one to balance them out.) And yes, God is with me, but He’s INVISIBLE and then you have things like Christian dogma casting doubt on everything you feel inside and your untrustworthy senses.
UPDATE: Better now. When I went to daycare tonight, the teachers were employing the methods the OT showed them yesterday and apparently it was already a new & improved Zoe.Â (Yes, that was sarcasm.)Â Actually I am feeling much better given their reaction about how my little one was doing today.
I’m sorry I lost it.Â My heart’s mending, my stress levels are through the roof and dear God, do I need sleep.Â If you pray, pray for me to figure out how to get healthier, find a friend in this mess, and just plain ACCEPT.Â Amen.