I won’t lie to you all. It has NOT been easy lately.
This summer, as you recall, I went through some tough times. These involved my health and my children. At the end of the summer, on top of all this, we were fairly certain Chris would get laid off. Unfortunately this occurred much sooner than we expected.
I had thought that my summer trials had me strong and firm, in my own powers and in God. I’m not going to say I was exactly wrong, but I haven’t been as rock hard and devout as I thought. My response to my prayers from God has been, “trust me”.
These last few weeks have been soaked with the feeling of dread. What if we lose our home? It’s a possibility and it could happen by the end of the year. I have faith that God will see us through anything, but I’m also scared about being homeless. I’m scared about how this will change us and hurt us as a family, as a couple, as people.
I’m scared that my ingratitude over the size and layout of my “puny” house (2400 sq ft, how on EARTH obnoxious am I?) and my prayers for something bigger has God rolling up His sleeves to teach me a really painful lesson.
That is, I feel like our economic woes are MY FAULT.
I know that’s not quite right, that everything works out for good, whether it makes us stronger, or makes us a blessing to others going through the same things, or makes us grateful, or what have you. I’m telling you now I have appropriate gratitude because even a home half or 1/4 the size of this one is better than none at all.
I’ve done an internal 180. I don’t want to lose my home. My yard is large and lovely. My neighbors are fantastic. My town is awesome, the school system is wonderful, and I can always knock down walls and rearrange windows.
I’m wondering, though, is it too little? Is it too late? Has the damage been done to bring my pride and vanity to a screeching halt with tremendous suffering? And if I have to go through more fire, will I have the grace and peace to weather it without further damaging the people I love with tantrums, rages, and tears?
I have no idea, but if you’re the praying sort, go ahead and add me my family to your list.