What do you do when you’re marriage is trouble?
On my honeymoon in Mexico, 1998. This is why I don’t do hats.
There are many answers and solution but there are some things you should never do:
7 Things You Should Never Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble:
- Keep your friends informed of your marital challenges – but not your spouse.
- Keep your feelings bottled up inside.
- Mistake “letting myself get disrupter” for “trying to keep the peace.”
- Not confronting an issue that is damaging you, your spouse and your children.
- Lying to yourself that everything is “fine.”
- Comparing your marriage to others that “seem” happy.
- Thinking or fantasizing about separation or divorce before even having one discussion with your spouse about the problems.
If you and your spouse do not have pretty good balance in the areas of romance, friendship, sex, responsibilities, and communication, or your marriage is clearly on the rocks, you definitely want to avoid those seven items.
My husband and I have hit some rocky patches in the last few months. The reason for this is on both of us: we didn’t “stop the insanity” of what was going on and while we were spending lots of time together, we had stopped connecting a long time before.
Book Review: 7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage:
These are just two of the secrets Kim Kimberling, PhD writes about in his new book, which I got to review, available at my Amazon link, “7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage: Strengthen Your Most Intimate Relationship
.” Kimberling looks at marriage from the perspective of a professional Christian marriage counselor, with over 30 years of experience. Throughout the book, you meet all kinds of couples in troubles: newlyweds, those in long time marriages, those with small problems, those on the brink of divorce. As you read their stories, you become compelled in rooting for them to succeed and, you’ll recognize yourself or your spouse dealing or avoiding the struggles in your own marriage. I’d like to tell you these couples all end up together, and most do, but some, sadly, do not.
What advice does Kimberling have for married or engaged couples? He advises taking a pro-active, anti-divorce stand and figuring out what you CAN do to save or improve your marriage.
What You SHOULD Do When Your Marriage is in Trouble:
Kimberling defines 7 key “secrets” or steps you can take with your spouse to get on the road to recovery:
- Stop the insanity that holds you back as a couple.
- Start putting God first, spouse second.
- Connect with your spouse.
- Engage constructively rather than arguing.
- Balance your marriage with time for each other.
- Don’t give up on sex!
- Fight for your marriage.
The author coaches couples through all seven of these practice and gives concrete examples of how to do them – and how NOT to do them. For example, he gives his own life experience of not properly listening to his wife and teaches how to rekindle effective communication when you need to communicate.
Insight, Guidance and Relatable Stories
In addition, Kimberling gives wives some great insight into the mind of men, especially in the “sex” chapter. Yes, this is one of the better chapters, on how to really rekindle that flame and enjoy sex within marriage as a way to truly connect and honor God’s design from marriage – but you need to do the steps in order! That said, this book has lots of actionable items, level-headed advice and real world examples to help you on your journey to a better marriage.
The Downside
The only complaint I had about this book is that it really is for a believing couple. Secret #2, which has some great tips on joining together as Christian believers in marriage, is a bit of a stretch if you are not married to a Christian. I wouldn’t be put off by that, though. I got a lot of wonderful tips and have shared them with my husband – many of which he agreed with or laughed along with me.
The Good
This book is an excellent guide to marriage, not just for married couples in trouble, for for any couple, married or engaged, that wants to improve their marriage or set up a firm foundation. It’s an easy read, too, and simple to share with your spouse.
How to Buy:
Amazon Paperback:
7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage: Strengthen Your Most Intimate Relationship
Discussion Guide:
7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage Discussion Guide
Kindle:
Another great book to help couples communicate when your marriage is in trouble is this one:
Paperback:
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Kindle version:
Mandy says
I think communicating is one of the most important aspects of keeping a happy healthy marriage.
Gina says
I totally agree Mandy!
Lindsey Smallwood says
Sounds like a great book – I haven’t heard of it. I am always looking for ways to grow in my marriage – my most important relationship besides Jesus.
Gina says
I’m always looking for great new books on Christian marriage too. They are usually all helpful.
Mary Collins says
Sounds like a good book with solid information. Couples need any assistance to ensure they have a successful marriage, whether it is trouble or not.
Gina says
Yes, true. I think if we had dealt with more “stuff” when things were good, we might have had an easier time. Live & learn.
Melissande says
My husband and I have gone through a couple rough patches in our marriage. I feel like keeping your marriage is something that you can’t ever do part way. It’s a constant maintenance that needs to take precedence in your life. I’ve found that it’s often the little things that do the most good in our life. I really like the 7 tips. Not too many to remember, but enough that it gives you something to really work on!
Gina says
That’s very true, Melissande. Part way won’t do it. it’s like that with our relationship with God too!
Rachel Skatvold says
I haven’t read this book but it sounds like it has some wonderful insights. Putting God first is the most important tip, I think. Once we are focused on God then everything else can go back into alignment. It sounds like it could be a great book for couples to read even before they hit that point where their marriage is in trouble. Thank you for sharing. God bless.
~ Rachel
From Carrie Tripp’s blog #TheocentricThursdays
Gina says
God first is the only way…for anything.
Matilda says
Definitely keep God first and Don’t forget to take care of yourself. This is a great post Gina, full of wisdom.
Gina says
Thanks Matilda, that means a lot. We put ourselves last too often. We need to take care of what God gave us, from our marriages to ourselves!
Rene D says
Keep the friends out of it!! BEST part hahaha …….. But really, since my husband and I started doing daily bible studies our marriage has been SO amazing. I am thankful that God is the center of our everything.. Really nice post!
Gina says
LOL! Well, I mean it’s not like you can’t share with friends, but if all you do is whine and complain about your spouse that’s not good.
Maria Hass says
That books seems like such a great resource! I’m glad you’re working on your marriage – we all go through seasons in marriage where it’s rough and we need to be intentional about reconnecting. Thanks for the give away too!
Gina says
Yes, I felt ok being honest because we are not only journeying to a really good place right now, but all of us experience it. I think we get through rough points and go, “it’s just me, it’s just my marriage” when that’s not true.
Amy says
Stop the insanity. That’s how I felt when dh and I were at each other’s throats recently while our house was torn up! Thankfully we both realized that the issues we were having weren’t with each other, more with our situation and that we just had to wait the work out.
Gina says
Yea, I’ve had that – a moment of clarity in the middle of a bad fight. From there, it’s a huge challenge to stop and get right, but it’s a good idea. My hubby never accepts it if I stop and immediately apologize. We all need to cool down first, and how long that takes is proportional to how far the fight has gone! Thank you for sharing.
Debbie Swindell says
You are a brave soul, Gina. I’ve been avoiding the subject of marriage, but know I will eventually go there. I’ve enlisted at least one writer sister to do a guest post because I feel the subject is so much bigger than me! Love your blog.
Gina says
It is a big subject but SUCH an important one! I think all marriages need help sooner or later, but to know other Christian sisters have struggled is such a big help. Not brave, just answering what God has put on my heart to do!
Jennie Goutet says
I like how you broke the tips down into bullet points to make it easier to remember.
And that hat just shows off your cute dimples!
Gina says
LOL! Aren’t you sweet 🙂 Yea, I love bullets. All those years of writing other people’s corporate presentations in my youth paid off.
shirley says
I think the most important thing to keep a happy marriage or relationship is to be honest and talk,talk, talk.
Gina says
Yes! Talk is so so so important 🙂
Linda Bradshaw says
Definitely communication is important. I don’t really have that communication with my husband. We don’t talk, hardly interact, etc… 🙁
Gina says
I’m sorry to hear that Linda. I hope it gets better.
Angelica says
A strong, shared foundation in God is number one. Communication and respect are second.
Gina says
I wish I could, but I have hope my husband will be a believer one day!
Lesley M says
Communication is huge in marriage. And making sure to always kiss goodnight!
Gina says
Aw, Lesley, I love that one! We get so complacent after years of marriage and forget. I’ll have to put that one back in starting tonight 🙂
Michelle Faile says
I would have to say laughter!
Gina says
That’s a great one!
Gina says
Very true! We have to balance that fine line between relationship building honesty and being kind. Tough one for me!
Nancy says
To me, communication is key!
Gina says
Yes it is Nancy! A real pillar of your marriage.
Deborah W. says
I think the most important element to a happy marriage is a couple of things: respect each other, be truthful and take time for yourself and each other.
Gina says
Very good & complete list, Deborah! We should all remember those.
Pam C. says
Two things come to mind immediately – communication and showing respect to each other.
Gina says
Yes! It’s hard to convince men sometimes that respect is 2-ways – AND that it often means something a bit different for women. Good choices.
liza vladyka says
TRUST
Gina says
Very true!
Jessica Beard says
Keeping the communication lines open and having honesty are the key to a happy marriage. Having fun is always important too.
Gina says
Yes, those are 3 strong supports for a happy marriage! Thanks.
Julie Waldron says
Communication, and it’s something my husband and I struggle with.
Gina says
I think most husbands and wives struggle with that at some point. It’s an area where men & women are usually very different!
Crystal Rose says
You need to love and take care of yourself.
Gina says
Self-care is important too!
kathy dalton says
Communication is the KEY
Aimee Imbeau says
In the early years of my marriage (and my hubby wasn’t a believer), I really had to learn that he wasn’t my rescuer, saviour, fixer or healer. Only God could be those things for me. My husband couldn’t ‘complete me’ as the popular scene in Jerry Maguire states. God is the only One who can make me complete and whole.
Gina says
That is very true Aimee! I think many women make that mistake.