Yet Another Dark Night of the Soul
So, every time I cry over my kids, I say to myself, suck it up, it’s self-pity. And yes, there is some aspect of that, it’s true, the “this sucks”-ed-ness of the idea that I’ll probably never be a grandmother, or that perhaps my kids can never live on their own, and forget all pretense about that art-&-wine tour of Europe with them when they’re all grown up. But it’s not just that. Sometimes, it’s sadness over what they won’t have, what they won’t know. Sometimes, it’s pain over the idea that they might not reach for dreams and aspirations. Sometimes, it’s the worry that no matter how much I teach them, they’ll still be in danger, physical, social, or financial danger because they can’t quite understand concepts.
Last night was one of those nights, to the point of despair. Couple it with Zoe not sleeping, me already on edge (menopause, coming, I think), and Chris out of town. Not a good night to be alone. I pulled out my Bible and read some comforting verses, but not before a hot chocolate and a long, hard cry. I felt the doubt that every parent knows, and doubly so for those of us raising kids with disabilities: am I do anything right? What do I do next? How do I conquer this battle with my child? How will I ever be able to make their lives livable, when they can’t even cross the street? I prayed, as hard as I cried, for guidance, clear: visible guidance that even a hard-headed a-hole like me can understand.
What Happened Next
In my “Life Application Study Bible NLT
I know, Lord, that a person’s life is not his own. No one is able to plan his own course. So correct me, Lord, but please be gentle. Do not correct me in anger, for I would die. -Jer. 10:24
That was exactly what I was looking for, and folks, it was one of those, “the page just opened there” moments. That one, and Psalm 60:17. Maybe a coincidence, right?
The Light After the Storm
Then came this morning. The kids were very good, thank the Lord, but I had a rough night. A loud train woke me shortly into my 5-hour sleep (or less) sleep journey, and I had to be up and ready, because we are driving Amelia separately from Zoe, who takes a van. By the time I returned, I was wiped out. My husband called and told me to take the day off. After checking email, I decided he was right, but FIRST I took a long, hot Epsom salt bath.
I wanted something different to read in my bath, so I looked through my unread stack and a softback magazine with Bible verses for moms, “For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid
Out of the bath, I was relaxed, clear-headed, and hopeful but still tired, so I went to bed and slept for 2 hours. I awoke ravenous, came downstairs, and polished off 2 eggs with cheese and a bowlful of Basmati rice, while reading “Autism & Alleluias”, a book I reviewed some time back. I had not made it to some of the back chapters, so I was surprised in reading that when he was an adult, the author discovered the DAN! diet for her son and put him on it…AND it helped! There it was, at LAST, firm, divine confirmation that my kids should be on this diet. Further, she discussed removing sugar. The last site on clean, gluten-free diets that I found and adored emphasized the removal of sugar. That’ll be a tough, but it seems to be one of the next possible steps.
Now, I am still tired, and a little dazed by the force of revelations I’ve had today. There are many things to rethink right now, but I feel good, I feel safe, and a little less alone. Thanks, God for staying with me, and helping me through. Thanks, readers. I hope I’ve encouraged you today, and I’m sure glad I *didn’t* post the miserable despair post I had last night 🙂
I love when I have days like these where I remember that God is very aware of me and my trials. And that He loves me…and my boy! I’m glad you had a more positive turn-around for the day!
Thanks Amber! wasn’t easy. Really liking your blog too 🙂
Really encouraged by this – I don’t have kids, but I understand some of the emotional struggles you’re talking about (probably from a different angle, but still!). Reading the verse you quoted helped me this morning. Glad you are feeling better.
thanks, Kimberley, I’m so glad it helped!
I DO understand those nights and those pity parties!! my son is almost 16..dx autism, epilepsy, and cognitive and speech delayed. If it were not for God and those special moments with him, I could never make it through this journey God had given us. We are only human and we do the Best we can. Your children are VERY lucky to have you and All your love!! I’ll be praying for you!
Aw thank you Melinda! Thanks for the reminder about doing the best we can. Best wishes to you and thanks for the prayers, I can use ’em.
Thanks for posting this. Don’t beat yourself up. Us moms of our special-needs kids do this, but indeed you are doing what you can. It’s not self-pity, its sadness. And you express it well here. It’s the recognition of the loss of the dreams you have for your children. Its hard to let go and allow God to write our children’s stories. And yet that’s what we have to do. He has a plan and I believe so many will be touched by your story, and theirs! Keep believing and know you’re stronger than you think!
Rana, thank you so much for your compliment! It means a lot to me. Yea, we moms beat ourselves up a lot. Thanks for the encouragement 🙂